<3

I am so, so blessed. I never seem to say that enough.

strong enough

this week i've replayed something someone told me a couple of years ago over & over in my head.
he told me that He gave me challenges because i could handle them; He gave me this path because i was strong enough; He knew i would find Him, no matter how hard.
& i would be lying if i said i didn't want those reminders from my big brother once in a while.
but i also know that relying on myself has only made me stronger; i am strong enough, with Him.

I believe...

--in Dr. Pepper being a food group. & yes, I do believe it's a proper breakfast. 23 fruits, I tell you! 23!
--that happy girls are pretty girls.
--in picking my battles. I ask myself, "Is it worth the fight?" on a regular basis. I used to see that as a weakness, like I was willing to just give in... But I've gradually changed my mind--I think it just means I'm tough enough to let others win sometimes.
--that I am blessed beyond measure.
--in journaling. I started a journal, where I just write my raw feelings. It's not always pretty. It's not always nice. It's not always the things I'll want to remember about me as a 21-year-old. But it's life, & I know someday I will love seeing my growth.
--in love, & trust, & long distance. I believe in us.
--that no one ever gets you like your momma does.
--in the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
--in loving others... even when they're mean-spirited, or jealous, or say unkind things, or mock. In fact, I believe that often, the people who in the moment I feel are least deserving of my love need it the most.
--in balance. Too much of anything can make you crazy.
--in being with someone who makes you laugh; one of my [many & most favorite] blessings is how hard Sky can make me laugh. I'm a lucky lady.
--that families are forever & in temple marriages.
--in myself, in my capabilities, & in my passions.
--in diversity & second chances. I believe that people spend too much time criticizing others for "not knowing our language" & to "go back to where they came from." I bet someone said that to your ancestors, once, too. Lucky for you, they persevered.
--that we are stronger than we know.
--in staying up late talking to the boyf, even though I know I'll be dead dog tired the next day. Talking to him is well worth a few extra yawns.
--in Summer; sidewalk chalk, "the wall," Sonic's Route 44 strawberry limeades, tan lines, & Spitz.
--[BUT! I also believe in...] Spring weddings; not too hot and not too cold. Just sayin'.

answers.

Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen thine heart; wait, I say, on the Lord. [Psalm 27:14] ♥

but the struggles make me stronger, & the changes make me wise.

i love this book:

http://www.amazon.com/If-Id-Known-Then-Letters/dp/0738211206

seriously, if you're of the female gender and don't own it--just order it.

my big sister gave it to me at what i now know was the darkest part of my life. and at the time, i read it and gained some perspective; but ohh, the perspective it has given me as i've re-read it the past few years. it's one of my favorite presents. [ps--if you wanna borrow my copy...let me know. i'm a good share-er.]

if i'd known then.

sixteen year old me,

oh, sweetie--take a deep breath. what are you doing?! you've hit your low, and you've sat there for far too long. but here's the truth: it will get better. you will find you. and you will love the heck out of yourself.

don't waste too many tears on silly boys & fake girls. high school will end, and you will forget all about it, except to read through old journals and laugh--and i promise you, you'll really truly laugh.

you'll graduate, and you'll make your momma and daddy so so proud. remember that feeling. remember that, no matter what, you can go home. you can always go home. maybe not always see eye-to-eye on everything, but you have home. and when it's hard, run there. go eat mom's cooking and complain through stupid shows on the History channel, and cherish every minute you get with your family. because family is forever. you'll learn.

you're not going to get what you think you want: you won't go far away for school. and you'll spend a few years, at that school, wondering why you picked it. dreaming of transferring. but it'll make sense, eventually. & oh, you'll be so grateful, then.

don't worry too much. remember to belly laugh. &, for pete's sake, stop wearing so much freakin' eyeliner. you look ridiculous. 

remember your roots, but remember that it's ok to branch out from them--that's what life is for.

keep debating. keep arguing and thinking and wondering. because it will take you great places. don't be afraid of what you believe and what you feel. your heart will take you where you need to be.

there's going to be a lot of hurts. but there will be even more healing, i promise. keep that chin up, and love a little harder. you're gonna be ok.

love,

me

july 17, 2010

alison renae,

YOU DID IT! and oh, i am so proud of you! soak it all in, cherish it, and remember how you feel right now. you will need that, later. the next year is gonna be tough. you are going to doubt yourself along the way; but never, ever doubt Him.

you will learn a lot about what you do and don't like, in the next year; remember that, when you deal with those around you. remember how much you hate to be separated, because of today's date. remember what it is to be a member, and remember that you are so loved.

never, ever apologize for being a convert. you will grow to hate that word; you will hate being set at a different level. but remember that this was His plan. & that is so beautiful. remember that He wanted today to be your day, and anyone who thinks you did it 11 years late is wrong. you did it right on time--you did it on His time. today is your day, and more importantly His day. and really, i promise, nothing else matters.

remember that their choices are in no way a reflection of your testimony. you will hear that you're a pioneer, and that you'll be a light, over and over. never think that other people's poor choices means your light isn't bright enough. just shine as hard as you can--love as hard as you can.

there are going to be days you're asked to do impossibly hard things, days when you have no idea what He wants. do them. you will grow.

more than anything, know that it is going to be ok. that in the end, everything is going to work out. know that you are so, so loved, even when you feel it least.

this is going to be tough. and i wish someone had told me that, on july 17th. don't be afraid to admit when you're nervous or worried or scared. don't be afraid to ask for advice. when you do, you'll get some of the best advice ever. you will have the best big brothers in the world.  you will meet amazing women who inspire you. believe them, when they tell you you're doing ok. you are. let Him bless you with them. they truly are your blessings.

write your grateful lists. read talk after talk, and scripture after scripture. & talk to Him. really, really talk. even when it's over silly little things. the more you do that, the more you'll find you.

above all else, don't stress. life is good; you are loved.

<3 

favorites.

these are a few of my favorite things [this week]:

--having scripture time with the boyf every night; it's oddly romantic. how very Mormon of me to admit...

--that my boyfriend makes me cutesy lists of what he loves about me. & that he notices teensy things, like how i tear all of my nail polish off and immediately repaint them. his lists are sweet & i'm so so blessed to have someone so thoughtful.

--family. i'm so grateful that my family is only an hour and a half away; i'm grateful for texts from my momma throughout the week; i'm grateful for parents who always want me to do what is best for me.

--scentsy pots. mmmm. my room smells so so good!

--having fingernails. it's so exciting!! i have bit them for as long as i can remember so i'm really proud i am being a big girl and not biting them. :)

--my classes--they're lots of fun so far!

blessings.

counting my blessings.
today i'm feeling blessed that i have the sweetest guy. i'm feeling blessed because i have never smiled more, never laughed harder. never been more "me" with anyone else.
i'm feeling blessed that he loves the Gospel as much as i do. blessed that we have scripture time and prayers. grateful that i am with a genuinely good man.
blessed that i am able to go to school; grateful that i like my classes and that i have had a teeny bit more time to breathe this semester--enough time to skype every night this week!
blessed that i know both sides. blessed that i know what life is like without the Gospel. and even more blessed that i never have to know that again.
<3

today, i'll bite my tongue.

i'm grateful that my parents raised me not to be a hateful person. i feel bad for people who are mean. what a sad existence, where you feel the need to be mean to strangers, in order to feel better about yourself.
however. since i'm seeing things as wishes, not weeds, i have chosen to view this as "she needed to tear someone else down in order to bring herself up. so if being rude to me gave her whatever it is she needed it today, then so be it."
wishes. wishes. wishes...

"The best Christmas break ever"

Someone told me, yesterday, that I was having the best Christmas break ever. I laughed it off. But the words haven't stopped going through my mind; I haven't stopped thinking just how blessed I am.
I had the opportunity to go to Utah; to see my best friend & Todd & [finally] meet the boys at the rc & [excuse my mushiness] my handsome boyfriend.
The opportunity to go to the temple; and to fall so, so in love with it. To hear names and feel at peace and know that this is real.
The opportunity to have a few days with him; just long enough for each of us to forget that long distance is hard.
The opportunity to reassure myself that I am okay. That things aren't perfect, but that the Gospel is; and as long as I hold firm to that, everything is okay.
The opportunity to set goals.
The opportunity to get my patriarchal blessing.

I won't lie and say the break was perfect; there were moments when I knew the only word running through people's minds was "convert." That is the hardest thing in the world for me. But for the first time, I just really felt at peace even when I could feel they were thinking it. I know that He doesn't care about my past. I know that what matters is where I am, today, and what my goals are for the future. I know that He knows my heart and my goals and what I am doing to work towards those goals.

There are a couple of things I have journaled about a lot that I need to get down here; things that I don't want to forget.
One was on the radio, when we were driving back home. A woman told a story that her daughter and her saw a field of dandelions, and just as she was thinking what a hassle all of those weeds were, her daughter said, "Look at all of those wishes."
Wishes, not weeds.
I've been working very hard on looking at wishes, not weeds this week.
Long distance? A wish, not a weed. The opportunity to grow stronger, the opportunity to test our relationship, the opportunity to work for this. The opportunity to remind myself daily every trait of his I admire, and every reason he makes me smile. The opportunity to look not at why it's difficult, but instead see why it's worth it.
Going back to school? A wish, not a weed. The opportunity to better myself, and to grow. The opportunity to learn how to change lives. The opportunity to learn how to better serve those kiddos. The opportunity to fulfill my passion. The opportunity to grow as a woman. An opportunity that not everyone has, and that I often take for granted.
I'm so determined to remind myself daily that it's all about perspective--that I need to see wishes, not weeds.

The second thing that I read is something I had read before. It's from an Ensign a couple of years ago. The sister missionaries gave me the Ensign, with their favorite articles marked. This was one of their favorites, and it has become one that I love so much.
I re-read it this break and really took away something new. I generally focus on the article's main idea--hope. Sometimes I branch out to hope, faith, and charity.
But this time, I read a paragraph over and over. It says:
"For me, things I don’t understand about the gospel are like pieces of a larger puzzle I’m working on. If I don’t see where they fit, I put them aside and work on other parts of the picture. From time to time I pick them up and look at them. If I still don’t see how they fit, I put them aside again. I have already received a witness that the whole picture—the restored gospel—is true and complete, so I don’t worry about the pieces that haven’t come together for me yet. They will."
I don't need to understand everything. I need to remember my testimony; remember why I chose this church and why I continue to choose it every day.
This has truly been the best Christmas break. I have been tested and have grown and have been incredibly, incredibly blessed.
&, oh, I am happy.

you & i

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ud4TVZSt754&feature=related

one of my favorite songs & i loooove their cover. gorg harmonies.

Dear Elder...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=npe-RwInkTU


"Dear Elder,
Remember that one time I blew you off & I told you I didn't care what you had to say? Or that one time, you gave me a Book of Mormon & I promise you I would never read it? & the several weeks I told you, "What? This Sunday? I think I'm busy..." & I'll never forget the time that you asked me to pray, and I laughed for ten minutes straight and then just called you silly...


Dear Elder,
Do you remember when I showed  you my scriptures and it was covered in highlighter, and when I started to call you to make the appointments? Do you remember that phone call when I described my whole closet to you, upset I didn't own a single skirt or dress?


Elder,
Do you remember when you taught me how to talk to my Father in Heaven? How I just tried to describe this indescribable happiness I was feeling that has not gone away and continues to grow...
Remember all the times when I overcame, conquered, progressed; When I was doing things I never thought I could do. Or when I called  you, at four in the morning, telling you I wanted to get baptized? When you put your hands on my head to receive the greatest gift I could ever receive, ever? Elder, do you remember when you showed me a better way of living? Do you remember when I started to become the person Heavenly Father has wanted me to become, all along?


....


Dear Elder,
Thank you. Thank you for what you are doing. Thank you for your example, for the Spirit you always have, for your prayers, and for all of your sacrifices; for pushing through any insecurities or struggles you may have.
Someone just as scared as you may be saved my life.
Do not give up, do not get discouraged, keep going.
What you are doing does make a difference. This is so real.
I am here because of it.


I am one of those rescued."


I am in love with this video.
In love.
What a beautiful soul; a beautiful testimony.


I don't know how she possibly picked what to say, and what to leave out.
If I wrote one, parts would be eerily similar. The closet--totally had that experience! (Except, mine was more of a "I have nothing that covers me" not "I have no dresses" experience. Hahaha. But seriously, he could probably tell you half of the clothes I own, I told him so often. Every Saturday was a battle, trying to figure out what to wear on Sunday. He heard all about it.) I will admit I laughed when he would ask me to pray or read my scriptures. There was no way I was going to do that. I had set my little stubborn mind against it.  I was not going to be Mormon. Heck no.
...& look at me now. Some days I'm "so Mormon" it scares even me. ;)


Dear Elder,
Remember when I was never, ever, no-matter-what going to be a Mormon? Remember when I wanted nothing to do with the church? Remember when the last thing I wanted to hear was that Heavenly Father loved me? And do you remember how that was the most important thing in the world for me to learn?
Do you remember how I would argue with you? How I would ask why things were the way they are, over and over? How I would insist you were wrong, but never felt like I was right? Do you remember how you taught me to pray? How you taught me to talk to Him, and know that He was listening?
Remember that first time, when you "tricked" me into taking those lessons? When you called me, during my naptime, and I answered the phone not realizing it was you? Remember when I was never going to take those lessons, and He had a different plan? Remember when you stuck to His plan, over and over?
Do you remember every time you held your tongue, when I was so frustrating? And do you remember how much I needed your blunt comments, at times?  Remember how much you hated my "stupid booty shorts"? And how ticked I was that you said that? Remember how you taught me to be a lady?
Do you remember that night, when I told you every reason I would never be a member of this church? Do you remember how I told you you were wasting two years of your life--how what you were doing didn't matter? & do you remember, that next morning, when you gave me a lesson--the lesson?
Because I could never forget; I will never forget. I was wrong, and He is right. Thank you, for teaching me that, no matter how exhausted you were.
Do you remember, when you baptized me? Do you remember, when you gave that talk right before? Remember how the room felt--how strong it was? Do you remember the moment you changed my life, forever? Do you realize what that means to me? Do you know how happy I am it was you, in that water with me?
Thank you for answering my questions, month after month. Thank you for teaching and re-teaching those lessons. For pushing me, without being pushy. For never allowing me to be a number. And for loving me when you (really, really) wanted to strangle me; thank you for always, always showing me His love.
Thank you for saving my life. For turning me around. Thank you for helping me realize my potential. Thank you for loving me, when I fall short of that potential time and time again. Thank you for always having faith that I'll get there, and for always encouraging me.
& thank you, for being my Elder, my role model, my friend, and my big brother.

prettypretty please hurry the h up.

If the children don’t get a bit calmer, soon, I might pull every single strand of my hair out. They were that crazy, today. I know they’re only 6 & 7 years old. But today I wanted to say, “Listen, babes. I know this means nothing to your brains but IT IS FINALS WEEK. & I’m stressed the freak out! So please be angels today.” Over. & over. & over.

Examples of my day:

During the math sing-along Boy #1 was being COMPLETELY obnoxious. After a thousand and six warnings, I sent him to the safe seat (aka timeout).  He continued being absolutely out of control. So I took the chair away from him, and had him sit on the floor. & (Teacher of the Year Award) forgot him there, for longer than I’m willing to publicly admit. Oopsies! I completely got sidetracked and just forgot I’d left him there. More on this later.

During writing centers, one boy colored his entire pant leg with marker (let’s hope his momma has some good stain remover).  & then lied to me and said it was an accident. An accident that was, by the way, in the form of stars all over his pant leg. Poor little guy—I hate when markers have a mind of their own and accidentally draw stars all over my pants. That’s the pits. Safe seat #2 of the day.

We also had a little potty mouth in the classroom today. & for those of you who know me well, you know I think that bad words are hilarious. I just do. Terrible habit. You have no idea how hard it is for me not to laugh when his little six-year-old tongue spits out “holy shhh…”  You have no idea how much harder it is to keep a straight face when I remind that we need to use school-appropriate language that doesn’t hurt Miss Davis’ ears.

I also had a ten minute debate with a first grader. Please tell me if I’m incorrect. ;)  We were working on rhyming words.  She needed to think of a word that rhymes with “stop” and write it.” I suggested “hop” and “mop.”  She said, “No, octopus.”  We then debated for ten minutes about what a rhyme was.  She told me words that rhymed with at least 10 other words: “Had?” “Dad.” Etc.  We came back to it.  “What rhymes with stop?”  *GIANT pause* “OCTOPUS!” I surrendered and said, “Let’s just skip that one.”

I’m not a teacher… I’m a mother. Seriously. Today I washed two faces, put hair up in a ponytail, tied shoes, gave out snacks, said “Blow your nose, sweetheart” at least a thousand times, gave a jillion high fives, reminded about inside voices and kind words and being a good friend, and scratched plenty of backs while they worked.

& in some ways, I am like, “Holy cow, I can’t be a mother for a long time. This is so stressful!” & in others, it makes me realize that I want that more than anything.  I love those kiddos.

Some days are just killers.  Some days I want to pull my hair out and cry.  But there are those teensy victories, that make me love the job more than anything.

--Awesome standard scores

--Boy #1 (who I forgot in timeout) gave me a hug, and apologized for his “un-apwop-wee-ut” behavior.  My heart melted a little, and I forgave him in 3 seconds flat.

--Getting a colored picture from one of the kiddos today. My fridge is covered in artwork. & I love it.

--Being told, “I wish I had a shirt just like yours.” From a boy.

--The children were def all medicated today. (Pretty unusual. We’ve usually got several who “forgot” to take their pill.) Blessings.

--“What’s your FAVORITE type of cake??” *pause* “Dragon cake.” (Isn’t that everyone’s?)

--Hugs. Ohh, hugs. I don’t mind that my pants & shirt have weird snot streaks on them. It happens. But those little hugs are the best.

--The kids all think I’m bomb because I do “magic” ties when I tie their shoes and (gasp) THEY DON’T COME UNTIED. (Aka…double knot. Hahaha. It sounds cooler that they’ve all coined them “Miss Davis’ Magic Ties”)

Love my job. Love my life. Time for Christmas break, yo.

Bind my wandering heart to Thee

"bind my wandering heart to Thee / prone to wander, Lord, i feel it / prone to leave the God i love / here's my heart, oh, take and seal it..."
ohh, i love this song. someone just introduced me to it this week and i've listened to it a jillion and twelve times; love his voice, love the lyrics, love the message. <3


today i'm lovin' the fact that i went to my final & successfully played a hymn. bam. Heavenly Father was definitely lookin' out for me there. hahaha.


i'm also loving that my professor awkwardly said, "umm... you have something on your dress..."
(me, frantically looking down, & seeing dried snot all over my cute black dress.)
"ohh... gosh... --i mumble something about the kids and how they're constantly wiping their hands all over me--"
"oh... i didn't realize you had children. how old are they?"


...awkward giant explanation of why i have boogers all over me.
next lesson: using a kleenex, not our hands. & if we use our hands, we wipe it on ourselves not on Miss Davis' pretty dress. sigh.
gotta love my job.


ok, well... time to pretend i care about school!
only a few more days....

--the babes

ok, i'm having a proud momma bragging moment.
the kiddos all did SO SO good on their standards! ahhh!! i've never been so proud of them. day one was a success--hopefully tomorrow goes just as great. :)
--i love my job.

kelly clarkson type of day...

nothing's real until you let go completely; so here i go with all my thoughts i've been saving; so here i go, with all my fears weighing on me.
& i don't know, i could crash & burn but maybe at the end of this road, i might catch a glimpse of me; so i won't worry bout my timing, i want to get it right; no comparing, second guessing, no, not this time. three months, & i'm still breathing. been a long road since those hands i left my tears in. <3