easily distracted

okay, so i was going to continue on the "my year" thing, tonight, but then i got to reading my china blog & now i'm totally distracted from writing on that topic.
so here's the link to the original post, which i'm just going to copy & paste below. it's weird to me that i still remember this all so clearly. when i wrote that i didn't think i'd forget this moment, i didn't realize that, over six months later, i'd still be able to picture every detail. engraved in the brain.

Good grief, you’re probably thinking I’m goin all Thanksgiving on ya, as much as I'm writing about being grateful, etc. lately. [On that note, I'm totally in denial and pretending Thanksgiving got cancelled this year, so that I'm not completely bitter while you're all eating delicious food and I'm eating things that still have eyes. Haha, just kidding!]I guess this semester has made me appreciate small [& big] things a little more than I normally would. It's been good for me.

I saw something this week that I absolutely can't get out of my head. We went to this new fish/fruit market that we found. Ashley & I were just pretty excited to find a new place to buy fruit [I'm a huge fan of pears!] so we were pretty ecstatic with our purchases. After we came out the other end of the market, I realized how stupid it was to be going on and on all day about how I missed having a nice shower. I was completely shocked to see the homes and people who lived in them.

I guess this shows my naivety, the fact that I've always had way more than enough. Maybe my parents spoiled me, or sheltered me, or whatever it may be. But I've never seen true poverty. I've never realized how good I have it. At my parent's house, I have my own room, my own bathroom, a kitchen full of food, a bed to sleep in, a car, and more than enough of everything I need. I'm going to school and getting an education.

I knew people had less than me. They always tell you that people are starving, that some kids don’t have a nice warm bed to go to sleep in. I listened, I was aware. But I just had never really pictured it, I’d never seen it. I knew, but I didn’t truly know, not in the way I know now.

I honestly had no idea that people, just blocks from me, were living in such poverty. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever seen. It took all of my self-control not to just stop and stare. I've never seen people who live like this, except on those TV commercials where they tell you kids are dieing and it's up to you to save them. To see it on TV is one thing. Honestly, I hate those ads, so I tend to change the channel. But to see it in person? Life changing. & there’s no chickening out, there’s no changing the channel. After we walked past, all I could think was how incredibly blessed I am. Ashley & I neither one talked for so long. We walked in silence, neither of us wanting to acknowledge what we’d just seen. Neither of us knowing what to say.

I'll try to describe it, but it's so impossible, it really is. I wish that I had better words for this blog. I know I can’t say it right. There were several tiny, one or two room houses--literally maybe the size of my family room at home. They were made of some posts and plywood with some thicker pieces of wood too, but have been patched with cardboard & pieces of plastic. A lot of the windows were missing. Maybe they'd been broken out, or maybe they were never there, I'm not sure. I felt like if the wind picked up, their houses were going to collapse. Like they would just get carried away in pieces.

The people were all outside sitting around together. There were a few kids… a couple of little, dirty toddlers. I know that toddlers are almost always dirty, but this was just such a different kind of dirty. The adults were all so incredibly thin, all dirty looking. And yet, all together.

Maybe that’s the thing that hit me the most was the fact that here these people were, all just squatting outside on the ground talking to each other, clearly enjoying themselves. It was obvious they had little. That was shocking in itself. But the part that really made me think was that I didn’t feel like they felt they were missing anything. I didn’t feel like they knew that just blocks away, there was a supermarket where I spend way too much on a stupid box of Trix cereal. I didn’t feel like they knew that I’m so incredibly spoiled. I didn’t feel like they realized how incredibly foolish and selfish I am, and in that moment I wanted them to. I didn’t feel like they knew that I wanted to hug them all and fix things for them, help them, do anything I could. I wanted to help them, and here they were, helping me. I didn’t feel like they knew how much they helped me, in those few minutes. That seeing a tiny piece of their lives—their honest, unedited lives—was changing me more than I can ever tell you. I didn’t feel like they knew how happy they all looked, how much they were laughing, or how much that made me want to cry. How much happier they were than so many people who have so much. I didn’t feel like they knew that so many people would say these people had hardly anything, and yet they have so much more than a lot of people I know who think they have it all. They had each other, and they were there, together, and they were laughing. & when I realized that, it was honestly just so breathtaking. It was awful and wonderful all at the same time. I can’t describe that to you.

I think there’s some moments you don’t erase from your mind. Things you just never can forget. Minutes, or days, or maybe even a series of events, linked together. I’ve had a few, both good and bad, already in my life. This one has been added. I’ve talked a lot lately about being grateful, because I was reminded to be grateful by someone who means the world to me. As much as I feel like such a cheese ball, like I don’t say things correctly, I know that it’s important to make being thankful a part of my everyday life. I said earlier that you probably think I’m “going Thanksgiving on ya” and I guess maybe I am. I should’ve been “Thanksgiving” every day for the past 20 years, and really we all should be because we are so, so blessed. The more we tell ourselves we aren’t, the more we’re going to believe we aren’t. I am realizing more and more how important being grateful for everything I have is to me.


So here goes part of today’s list.
Today I have been grateful for…
--My family. [This always goes on the list. Every. Single. Day.]
--Getting THREE!!! letters from Dallas; best day ever, even though one of them was super super old.
--& Dallas, of course.
--Janis Ian. [Siiigh. Her voice is gorgeous.]
--Warm chocolate yoghurt drink [It’s like hot chocolate. & btw for those of you who are wondering, on all of the signs here, they put an “h” in yoghurt, so yes, I will continue to use the “h”.]
--Warmer weather than we’ve been having
--Cassie [I found the pic of you and Elder Street—I’ll have to send it to you!]
--My slippers to keep my toes warm on the cold floor
--Nail polish remover that smells like strawberries instead of nasty like at home
--A water bottle with the flip top instead of the screw top. [I always accidentally drop the screw tops on the ground, and then I end up throwing away the rest of my bottle because I can’t put it in my purse.]
--Hope
--Amy, and the fact that she makes me laugh every single time I talk to her.
--Dallas’ mission. I wouldn’t want him anywhere else, and I know that very few people understand why I would say that, but it is such a blessing in my life, more so than I had imagined it would be.
--A funny Facebook comment from my sister
--Old pictures. I looked through a ton of pictures today and they made me laugh so much.
--Memories. I have some of the best memories. One of my biggest fears is forgetting things, so I love having the memories I do.
--Dallas’ family. They are so, so good to me.
--Realizing my banana bread was moldy before I took a bite, haha.
--My grandma. I’ve missed going to her house so much these past couple of months. If you haven’t met her, you’re missing out.
--Kathy let me use the washing machine in her room, meaning I didn’t have to fight for one upstairs, putting me in a much better mood. [For those of you who read that “warshing,” you’re soooo Nebraska. Eugh!]
--My iPod. I love my music.
--Taking a long nap.
--Love.
--The opportunities I have been given, thanks to these past couple of months in China. I have had so many moments, so many little moments of understanding. I’ve learned about myself and the world, and it’s been so wonderful.

Mmkay, well… I’m off to bed.
I LOVE YOU ALL!! So much.
Alison Renae