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I read the words of a friend again this evening. I remember them touching me, months ago. & here I am, completely overwhelmed all over again:

"Are you the person you’ve always wanted to be? Are you living the life that you want to live? I cannot promise that once you are baptized your life will be perfect, because no one’s life is perfect. Everyone goes through trials, and everyone makes mistakes. But if you’re able to go through all of those things and still know that someone, your Heavenly Father, will love you no matter what then why live any other life?"

Spoken like a champ, darling.

then why live any other life?

words i needed

sometimes i blog creep. & come across things that i needed to hear more than anything.

"anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strength."
deep breaths, chin up, comewhatmay&loveit.

"[[[one]]] thing is always clear: I am BLESSED"

A year ago today, someone tried to drown me. Really, he did.
& by that I mean:
A year ago today, my life was changed, for the better*. [*best] A year ago today, I was baptized & became a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. & I can honestly say that nothing has ever impacted me so much, and in such a positive way. I can honestly say that the church, and my relationship with Christ, are the best things to ever happen to me.

I can honestly say that I have no idea where I would be without missionary work. &, more specifically, for the missionary who changed my life.

Let’s be honest, I’m a bit stubborn. & by that, I obviously mean “ridiculously stubborn.” I know without a doubt in my mind that God knows me personally, because He has provided for me time and time again, especially in this past year. He blessed me with a missionary who would answer every question [at least 20 times each], calm every worry, help me learn for myself, and take my sass [once in a great while ;)]. I was also blessed to have a missionary who, although understanding, knew when enough was enough and had absolutely no problem being upfront & blunt. [I believe the direct phrase was “stupid booty shorts” ;)] I was blessed with someone who, quite honestly, didn’t take my crap. & that was exactly what I needed. & so much more than I deserved, time and time again.

I have been blessed with the best best friend, who always has the perfect answers, and who has helped me every step of the way.

I have been blessed with families, who let me be a part of theirs, no questions asked. I have been blessed with people who have taken me under their wing, & cared for & loved me.  I have been blessed with friends & role models.  I have been blessed with people who I look up to so much.  I have been blessed by my interactions with so many people, in the past year.

[For the record, I'm tired & I don't have pictures of every-single-person who I SHOULD have a picture of on here. So basically, insert your face here. :) There are so, so many people that I am missing!! So consider yourself included. :)]

I have been blessed with so many people along the way. People who may not always know they are changing the way I view things, and think, and feel. & sometimes it has been with the simplest phrases, or by the simplest means. But it has greatly impacted me. & ohmygoodness, I appreciate each of you. [I sure hope you know who you are.]

Basically, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. Scratch that, I’m pretty sure I am the luckiest girl in the world.

Big thank you’s to many missionaries, both full-time and member missionaries, who changed my life for the better, and who listened to every whine, rant, worry, question, and fear along the way. You are the best, and I love you each so much.

& an extra big thank you to you, sir. I am so, so incredibly grateful for you for choosing to serve your mission, your no-nonsense attitude, your friendship, and [okay…] ESPECIALLY the whole near-death drowning [err, baptism]. I owe you big time. & I am so incredibly grateful it was you.

Yep. Basically, I’m just plain old stinkin’ blessed.

Best part? You can be, too. :)

I’m challenging you to go to lds.org, click on “Chat with a missionary” and give it a shot.

Or go to my Facebook friends, and add Elder Blair Ahlstrom or Elder Zayne Callahan & chat it up with them!

Or go to church with me, on any Sunday! This is your invite. :) [You’ll get to see me, in a dress, with makeup on, and with my hair done. That’s correct, folks, I won’t be in sweats. Woah. That’s reason enough to go, right there. & if you happen to learn something about the Gospel—well then bonus! ;)]

Or meet with your local missionaries.

If you can’t pick one of those four to do, then you’re basically just lame because that took me a long time to think of FOUR whole options! :) [Just kiddin’. But really, you should try one.]

XO, Al

我想要回来到中国

Today I'm missin' me some China. Majorly. I'd definitely be okay with getting another four months in, there, before I die. It truly was the experience of a lifetime.

I miss these adorable faces. [If you were wondering, they were learning the English words for different emotions. Here, they were showing me their "surprised" face. Hahaha.] I miss teaching. I miss their giggles and enthusiasm. & I miss their love--kids are the best at loving people.

I miss mini vacas on weekends. I miss how many diverse places we could go in less than a day's travel.

I miss the girls i became so close with. [&, okay, I miss this restaurant--mmmm...]

I miss these students, who never failed to show me an abundant amount of love and appreciation, and who were so enthusiastic to learn. They made every day a good day. we were like instant best friends, and they never failed to remind us how much they loved us.

I miss partaking in unsafe activities, and loving every second of it. [Yes, I'm one of those tiny dots on the cliff...]

I miss living in a city where you can do whatever-the-heck-you-want-to. 

& I miss having my breath taken away. I miss seeing things you've always heard about, and realizing how crazy it is that you are actually there. I miss the adventure & the thrill.

& I freakin' miss China.

& i have learned to conclude all of my prayers with "Thy will be done"

just when i begin to think, "i have a plan, and i have goals, and by golly, it's going to be great!", i realize that God is saying, "no no nonono. alison, i have a plan, and to be honest, yours prettymuch sucked! it wasn't what I wanted. so accept Mine, and let's move forward."
& so i am. moving forward, that is.
this summer has already been packed with change. i know, i know. that's all i freakin' say. but... welp, it just got crazier.
the boyf got the job transfer he's been dieing to get. i am so, so incredibly excited for him--it means getting Utah rights, so he can start getting some seniority. however, it also means not seeing him for eight days at a time. it means sharing him a lot more than i'm used to doing. it means [ohh, the dreaded phrase]... a long-distance relationship.
yikes, right?! a month in, and that stinkin' label gets slapped down. but, you know what? today, i said goodbye for the first time, and i didn't even cry a bit. not even a little. not even shiny-eyed alison. for those of you who know me, you know that i cry all the freakin' time. it's out of control. & yet, with this, i just feel at peace. i feel like this is right. this is good. this is right where i belong. & i can either whine and complain about circumstances, or i can say "Thy will be done" & know this is all a part of the plan.
so... this is my life. typical alison, right?!
in other news, i'm a month away from starting school again [ew]. yes, that's right: one short month away from having a set schedule, from lectures, and notes, and [siiiigh] exams. one short month from me panicing about every freakin' grade, and trying to balance good clean fun at what is possibly the biggest party school ever. shootmenow. 
in less than a week, it's been a whole year since my life [officially] changed. i can't even tell you how excited i am about that. it's been such an amazing year.
celebrating it is pretty much like my new birthday. i have every intention of treating myself to some ben & jerry's. if you're thinking, "why do you need to celebrate, alison?! shouldn't every day be a celebration? you should be living that kind of joy every single day!"
& to that, i say pishposh. Jesus totally approves of my celebrations. i bet He's pretty dang proud of my choosing to have a little Half Baked to celebrate Him. [holy sacreligious... my bad. & am i going to hell for eating something called "Half Baked" to celebrate my relationship with Christ? crap, i can practically feel the flames already...]
ANYWAY. lately, i'm having a blast waitressing--as in, i actually like my job. weird, right?! but, seriously, all i have to do is flirt with middle-aged men a little, chitchat it up with complete strangers, and help people along their road to intoxication. i'm practically an expert in all of these areas! easy peasy lemon squeezy.
so that's my life. please excuse my [mostly borderline inappropriate] rambling. i swear i'm not a bad person. mostly.

sufficient

i was talking on the phone to someone yesterday. they told me they admired my testimony, and that they knew i'd worked hard for it. they mentioned how much they knew i'd given up for it, how many hoops i had to jump through. & that they knew that had been hard on me.
& that's the truth. coming to a point where i knew this church is true AND i was willing to change my life for it was not easy for me, at all. it had its trials--it has its trials.
but i think people misunderstand how much it means to me. it's not a burden, it's not something that i think of like "well i gave all of this up..." it's not a negative experience at all.
it's a gift. it's a blessing. it's a relationship with Him that i work on constantly. it's self-improvement. it's growth. it's faith and trust and hope. &, above all else, it's love.

i think something i've really learned this year is to just trust. to realize that my plans may not be His, but that His will make me a thousand times happier than i imagined i could be. i learned to live by faith. i learned to trust & act upon that trust.
& i learned that the Gospel is enough. i know that He is more than enough for me.

2 Corinthians 12:8-9
For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.

And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

grateful

today i'm grateful for the six days i'm going to get. & i refuse to concentrate on the eight i won't.

positive thinking is key. right? right.

come what may. [& love it.]

quick grateful list:

• chocolate chip cookie dough
• the boy
• dr pepper
• concealer [it helps me pretend i have flawless skin]
• texting. i'd rather text than call someone. hello, impersonal.
• opportunity. people don't really realize how many chances we have in this country. sometimes i think "people in china would kill for this chance."
• fast & testimony meeting///eye opening experiences
• some boy's kisses. i mean... what?
• my family
• whispery talk. i think pillow talk is among the best types of talk.
• missionary work
• dating someone who has the same taste in music
• that type of laughter [see previous blog posts. & if you were wondering, yes, i've been laughing like that a lot lately.]
• president monson
• pictures. i loooove taking photos.
• pizza. mmmmmmm...
• my job. & good tippers. & my boobs, & my flirting abilities. oops. i'm not a hoe, i swear. innocent flirtations!
• my shampoo. i only buy one type. i was telling my family that if they ever stop selling it, i'll just never wash my hair. for the world's sake, i hope they never discontinue it's production. you should be grateful for my shampoo, as well.

come what may & LOVE it.

holy past two months. holy kajillion feelings. holy ups and downs. ho. ly. hell.
on april 27th, i wrote:
"I didn't picture my semester ending like this. Actually, if you'd asked me a week ago, I'd have told you things were perfect. I'd have had a cheery smile and a positive attitude and I'd have worked my butt off to believe it."

it seems weird to me that that was only a little over two months ago.
this summer has been all about growth. i've learned so much...i'm learning so much.
i've learned that it's okay to have your feelings, and not apologize for them. i learned to stick up for myself. and not in the same way i once did: not in this loud, outspoken, say-whatever-i-want-to way. but just to say "this is how i feel, and that shouldn't be insignificant." i learned that you decide how people treat you. and i learned that you don't have to take people's crap, but you also don't have to be angry with them. i learned that sometimes you will deserve an apology. and that you won't always get one, and that's okay.
i think i'm more passive than i've ever been. and yet i'm not defeated. and i didn't know that i could be both passive, and yet strong. i never knew the two could coexist.
i learned that sometimes people screw up. & i learned to just accept that for what it is, and not take it personally. i learned that it's not about me, at all. & i learned that sometimes situations suck, and to just deal with it.
i learned to shut the frick up. i learned that it's okay to know when people are being dishonest, and not to call them on it. i learned that it's not my problem. i learned that it's not about me--that it's between them and God.
i learned to choose who i want in my life. and i learned that sometimes that has consequences.
i learned that you can't tell your heart what to feel. i learned to trust in Heavenly Father's plan more and more each day. i learned to trust myself. i learned that there are good people. i learned that i should be with someone who makes me truly happy. i learned that i want to be with someone who makes me laugh, and who i can lose all track of time with, and who i can fully trust with anything. i learned that i want to be with someone who honors their priesthood.

this summer has been surprisingly refreshing. i know that makes no sense. i feel like according to others, i should have been hurt, like i should have been broken, like i should have felt a whole lot of things that i just simply didn't feel. i'm certain that people are doubting my intentions, or my feelings, or me.
& i think that all of this--every single minute of it--is just a reminder of how blessed i am. i braced myself for that conversation. i readied myself for those feelings. in my heart, i knew that was coming. i feel like the more i prayed, the more i just knew. i feel like He warned me for months.
& i feel like people think i'm being insensitive to the situation, or like i don't care. & in some ways, that's correct: i don't care like i used to. but i don't feel that's as insensitive as some people would like to believe. i think that if there was a list of facts--cold hard facts--that it would make more sense. & the fact of the matter is, i have that list of facts in my head, and it makes my decisions that much easier.
the truth is that i don't believe in letting people control my life. that i feel confident in my choices the past two months. 
the truth is that i am happy--and that in my heart i know i deserve that. the truth is that i never knew i could trust someone like this. that i didn't ask for this or expect it, but that i'm so, so happy and grateful.

because the thing is, i know that He has a plan & that it is perfect. & right now, i know that this is where i am supposed to fit into the plan. & that's all that matters to me.

above all else, i learned to stop worrying. i learned to just take it as it is. a month ago, i was a mess. a sobbing, hyseterical mess. for one day. & that since that original shock, i have just accepted things as they've come. i've given it all to Him and am just taking it one step at a time.
and i feel i've been blessed a billion times over for my trust in Him. i believe that when we trust Him and follow His will instead of our own, we can truly find happiness and peace.
& i've once again relearned my favorite phrase:
come what may & love it.