strengths & flaws

i am totally stealing this idea [wow, i'm tired, i just typed "eye" and couldn't figure out how to spell "idea." crap.] from another blog. & modifying it a bit to fit my taste. :)


things i'm good at/things i do & do well:

• I am really good at laughing. Seriously. Like, if you need someone to have really good belly laughs with, call me. 
• I am really good at going to class. I hate skipping. In college, I consider this a talent.
• I'm good at feeling. Maybe too good, in fact. My heart goes a little [lot] overboard sometimes. If someone is sad, it's really hard for me not to feel sad, too. [But at the same time, I'm very good at being super ecstatic when someone else is having a good day.]
• I'm good at doing things just because I think they will make someone else happy.  I'm good at sending cards & remembering half birthdays & texting someone to tell them I was thinking about them. & not because I feel obligated; just because I think it's nice to be nice. 
• Cuddling. Snuggling. Hugging.
• I'm good at cheering people on in every day life. If I care about you, I'll be like your own personal little fan club. [Awkward? Maybe. I just don't care.]
• I'm really good at saying thank you, and reminding people I appreciate them. I think it's important.
• I'm an excellent lawn mower.
• I'm really, really good with kids. Like, freaky good. I don't think some people picture that just because I'm so blunt with adults. I just... am different, with kids? It's where I feel the most at ease; kids are my passion & purpose. Without a doubt.
• I'm good at learning languages. Memorizing vocabulary, patterns, grammar, and putting them to use.
•  I'm a freakin' awesome rapper. Seriously. Join me, in my car sometime. You'll see.
• I'm also really good at booty dancing--think as obnoxiously ghetto as it gets. [I'm not so sure my bishop would approve of this talent though. So we'll just say that's my hidden talent?]
• I'm really good at memorizing movies the first or second time I watch them. I can quote so many movies. Totally useful, right? ;)
• I'm a good daughter. I love my parents, and I [at least try to] do things that make them proud of me.
• I'm good at considering other people's feelings. I'm good at talking to someone who looks uncomfortable or shy. I'm good at introducing myself to someone I don't know. I'm good at trying to be aware of and in tune with the people around me's feelings.

things i'm not good at/things i just simply don't do:

• I never clean up my toothpaste on the edge of the sink when it's still fresh.
• I have minimal hand-eye coordination.
• I'm terrible at doing my laundry. Not that I don't know how, just that I procrastinate. I currently have two baskets full and a giant heap of sheets and towels. & I have no intention of doing laundry until I'm out of something.
• I don't shake hands. I find the concept disgusting. [I know boys just touched their junk, didn't wash their hands, and then shook mine. Ew.]
• When I cook meals, they don't necessarily "go together."  I just cook whatever sounds good. It doesn't matter if they're random foods, when placed together.
• &, ok, I'm not a great cook. I tend to ruin at least one thing, each time I cook. But I try!
• I don't read my scriptures every day. Oops.
• & I say the majority of my prayers when I'm in the shower. [Is that against some sort of secret rules? Double Oops.]
• I'm not good at not letting people get under my skin. My feelings get hurt. It's a fact.
• I'm a terrible driver. You know how boys make fun of girls for being bad drivers? Those awful descriptions are pretty accurate to my [lack of] driving skills.
• I'm terrible at kissing up to people. & when I try to, it's in a very obviously sarcastic way. I don't have that whole being-a-fake-bword thing down pat. Nor do I care to.
• I'm THE WORST at being quiet. I tend to say things I probably shouldn't. I talk at a volume that is considered by the general population to be an "Outdoor Voice."  I misplaced my "Inside Voice" approximately 21 years ago, & have yet to find it.
• I'm also really bad at keeping track of things. Phone, keys, etc.--ALWAYS missing...
• I am not always the best at being polite. Sometimes I just say what I think, & hope people don't take it too personally.
• I'm terrible at controlling my giggles. I tend to laugh at inappropriate times.

So I guess the point is, I'm not perfect.

But guess what? I like me. Not everything about me, no. I think I have some things I could work on or change. But I like me.

Today I'm grateful for a Heavenly Father who is aware of me.  I'm grateful for the ability to say, "It's ok, it wasn't personal. Don't take it personally. It doesn't matter."

I'm grateful for the Scriptures. I'm grateful I was able to read them tonight & feel refreshed.

I'm grateful for too-big shirts to sleep in, that smell like a boy. I love boy smell.

I'm grateful for answers.

I'm grateful for that prayer; for that man who said it with that authority. I'm grateful for his patience when I rambled. I'm grateful for being able to sort my thoughts, & not even worry for a second that he was judging me. I'm grateful for their willingness to serve.

I'm grateful for Fruit by the Foot & Dr. Pepper. I'm grateful for heating blankets & snuggly pillows.

I'm grateful for my life; for my safety; for my health.

I know I'm blessed. Sometimes I just forget to say so.

Sometimes I just get so caught up in wondering "Why this?" or "Why me?" that I forget how blessed I truly am. I'm grateful for gentle reminders.

& I'm grateful that I'm going to go lay my head down on my comfy pillow & sleep soundly & tomorrow will be better. I'm grateful for that hope.

if all else fails, read quotes by pres. uchtdorf.

la-la-la-la-la-la-la-life is wonderful! <3
[name that {^^^^} song... anyone? anyone?]
some days i remember to breathe in & out & laugh a little.
& i remember life has a way of working itself out. messily, at times. but it always does.

basically, i love president uchtdorf. he seems to always say/have said the things i needed most.
such as:

"Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can—working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!"

patience, patience, patience....

fragile.

please, please, please keep in mind that my heart is entirely in your hands right now & be gentle.

[go with your gut]

“But no matter how high the stakes, sooner or later, you’re just going to have to go with your gut, and, maybe just maybe, that’ll take you right where you were meant to be in the first place.”


It's time to trust. Time to hang on tight, & trust that those glances are what you think they are. Time to trust every hint. Time to support & be patient. Time to pray like crazy.


I think it's taken me so long to just say that: I need that prayer.
I need that three minutes, which so often follows, "Wanna baby me?" I appreciate that person & the authority he holds & the way he honors it; I love the way his words to Him flow, & how I feel each time I hear them.  I love the sense of peace I find in those couple of minutes.
& right before I shut my eyes for the night, I need that time on my knees. I need to say what I'm grateful for & blurt out every thought I'm not saying to anyone else; every word I can't express without having to explain myself. I love that I don't need to explain my feelings to Him, and that I can ramble & mumble & make no sense, & He still gets me. I need that time each day to serve as a reminder that He's my Father, but more importantly He is my friend & my confidant.


I finally cracked, today. Cried for absolutely no reason like six times. & each time thought, "This isn't a big deal, Alison, pull yourself together."
But sometimes, it's nice just to be able to fall apart a little & spill your guts to Him. I like that in my heart I know that He doesn't care if it's 'not a big deal.'  He cares that I'm upset, and to me, that is the most precious relationship.  Someone who knows my heart so completely, & loves me despite of each imperfection.
I am so blessed. So loved. So treasured, by the One who put me here.
& while I don't always know why here, why now, why this... It doesn't matter. Because there is a plan, & all I really need is the faith to keep my chin up and keep walking forward. <3 

thought of the day.

if it weren't against everything i morally stand for, i'd bang every boy who has dreads.
just sayin', it's sexy.

ironic.

"what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger."

if i could tell you how ironic this was, trust me i would. holding. my. tongue.

gabriel michael hussein joseph ryan muhammad ryland.

alright. here's my new goal.

i will make ten things i love about you lists.
because who doesn't love to hear lots of compliments?!
so without further ado...

gabe:

1. you always compliment me & make me feel like a total babe. & even though we both know they might be little white lies, i like your white lies.

2. you are the nicest boy in the whole world. if i could force us to have even the mildest attraction to one another, i'd probably make you put a ring on it. instead, i plan to hook you up with a super hott lover.

3. you tease me about my sister wives & my level of morm-ness. but i know you don't mean it, & so i love you for being a buttface. :)

4. you introduced me to smc. & smc = happiness. so, you introduced me to happiness.

5. you never judge me when i want to eat at five-ten minute. & by eat, we both know i mean binge. 

6. you do really nice things for me. i could list a billion. but i'll go with some of my favorites. a] you invite me to go to gay bars & husker games with you. b] you've gotten me approximately 3,539,526,441,682,329.73 dr peppers, over the course of our friendship. <3 c] you always treat me like a princess. & got me a princess ice creamy cake. <3 

7. you are always down for a snuggle fest, some spoonage, or a spendy. & really, what more could i ask for in a friend?

please note: i picked this photo because a] you're totally creepin' on kayla. hahahha. and b] i'm super classy. as always...

8. you love the huskers ALMOST as much as me. ;) [.go.big.red.]

9. you have the most adorable naked childhood photos. :)

10. when i got stuck in your tire swing, you told me i had "child bearing hips." some people might think that's mean. but really, given the circumstances, your choices were either "hey, you're a fatty" or "hey, boys should want to marry you because you're gonna have 5-minute labors." i appreciate that you went with the latter. xo.

11. (because i couldn't stop at ten) you always, always, always take my side when i break up with boys / boys break up with me. & tell me how much better than them i am (even if i'm not) and that i will find someone who's perfect for me, and give some of the best advice.

shhhh.

there are some things that you just don't do.  you just don't.
there are giant unspoken rules.
unfortunately, i'm not one of those people who follows every rule. it's not that i'm a rebel. it's not that i feel the need to be difficult or different.
it's simply that i don't want to deny my feelings.
i owe myself that amount of honesty.


terrifying?
yeah, sometimes.


at the same time, i think there's a giant difference between feelings, and actions.


actions? totally in check.
feelings? not so much.


i guess this is where i hold my breath, practice patience, & pray pray pray that my heart is right. sometimes you just have to remember not to give a shhhh.

incredibly, incredibly grateful.

there are bad days, & then there are good days.

today was a good one. absolutely fabulous.

one of those ones where you try to say how fab it was, & thank Him, & you get all choked up. one of those ones where you look at all of your blessings. one of those ones where you are so, so overwhelmingly happy.

it's funny that one word can change so much. one tiny word, that changes everything.

"completed."

completed eight years ago.

& that word--"completed"--completely changes my perspective.

for the first time, i see i'm not alone. i see that i was never alone. i see that He was looking out for me long before i knew.

& while i know that there's a long, hard difference between "completed" and "accepted," i pray & hope that they are one and the same, in this case.

i am incredibly blessed.

today i'm grateful for:

--people who make me smile.

--sweet little texts.

--happy shoes. [yes, i believe that some shoes make you instantly more cheerful.]

--missionary work. it is the most amazing thing in the world.

--"completed"

--tlc's "sister wives"; yeah, it's my secret addiction... don't judge.

--mcdonald's apple pie. mmmmm...

--ruffly aprons. they make me feel wife-y.

--life. breathing & laughing & feeling.

--that sense of belonging; that it's-all-going-to-be-ok feeling.

--my momma, my daddy, & my big skissers. 

--[& my not-quite-biological big brudders. goodness knows i have a few...]

--being able to see the light at the end of this tunnel we call "college." :)

--fall break!!! [even though i am going to work the entire break.]

--my bestest frans.

--Husker football.

--kind words; kind actions; people being nice because they can, not because they should.

--hope.

nostalgia

I don't think that I can necessarily explain all of the things running through my head.


Maybe I should start by saying that I lost the two most important things to me, the past two summers. Maybe I should tell you how come summer time, my life has a way of falling apart, each year.  Fall is when I pick up the pieces. Fall is when I figure my life out.
But maybe that won't make sense.


Last year, I spent the summer saying goodbye to my life as I knew it. I spent it losing my support system, for various reasons and at various times. I spent it making big choices, and praying like crazy that they were right. I spent it going cross-country, to meet a stranger who I knew, to make those commitments; those covenants. I spent it terrified of what the future was going to hold for me.
Last year, I spent the Fall in China. & I'm not saying that I necessarily figured everything out while I was there.  Goodness, no.  I remember one day in particular, calling someone and telling them every reason I was pissed off to have made that choice--every single thing I had given up for it.  I remember seriously practically making a list of all the things I felt I had lost for Him.  I remember saying I wouldn't be the "poster child." I remember being upset about a picture, being furious and feeling used. I remember feeling pressure to succeed when I felt I was failing.  I remember feeling so incredibly alone in this.  I remember feeling hopeless and helpless.
But I also remember that when I had faith, there was hope.  I remember opening up emails, knowing there was going to be a link that would make things make sense. I remember countless hours on the phone, sorting my brain. I remember the person who was there every second of it.  And I remember that he did it because he loved me.  I remember patience. I remember kindness. I remember charity.


And then this summer, I got what I wanted, but at the wrong time. & the truth is, that I have to live with the guilt of what I could have done or should have done to prevent those things.  The fact of the matter is, I have to wonder "What if I'd said this?" or "What if I'd been more supportive?"  & that is something that haunts me. So I got what I thought I wanted, and then I walked away from everything I had. I walked away from my life.  Checked out, peaced out, and just started walking--hoping that I was headed somewhere.
I've spent this fall getting to know me, again. I've spent it in a classroom, hugging them and letting them put their sticky fingers on my light pants.  I've spent it running for hours, until I think my lungs are going to burst. I've spent it asking questions and learning how people perceive me. I've spent it having fun.  I've spent it learning how to forgive and how to move on. I've spent it figuring out what I like and what I dislike. I've spent it learning to trust.  I've spent it giving back. I've spent it breathing & thinking & feeling--really, really feeling.


One summer of being left.  The next, of leaving.
One autumn spent finding Him & loving me. The next, spent finding me & loving Him.




The truth?
I'm terrified. & I'm clumsy.
Sometimes, I'm sarcastic when I want to be sincere.
I steal glances.
I hate shaking hands, but I make exceptions.
I burst out crying sometimes. Usually I really have no idea why I'm crying. But more often, I laugh. & I think that balance is what keeps me sane.
Some evenings, I need to hear those words spoken by someone with that authority. Some evenings, I rely on that, on him, and on Him. & I can't tell you how grateful I am for that, nor can I tell you how terrified I am to not have that.
Other evenings, I can feel that I need to be the one speaking them--even if they're clumsy, and messy. Even if I don't say it in the "right" order or in such a pretty way.
Because the thing is, He gets my messy. 
He gets my clumsy 
     & my rambly 
          & my bubbly 
               & my whiny 
                    & my terrified-to-put-one-foot-in-front-of-the-other. 
He gets my heart.
         & He gets me. 
                  & He loves me, anyway.
Some days I really have no idea what I want, or how I'll accomplish it.
But then there's those mornings, when I crawl out of bed, and I show up in that classroom, and they wipe their snotty noses & dirty little sticky fingers on my sweater when they hug me "hello", and I see the way her eyes look when the lightbulb goes off and it clicks and she's reading "sock" "rock" "shock" "clock." 
There's those times when I teach them not to throw rocks or pull the wings off moths or eat their buggers or walk with untied shoes. 
There's those moments when I catch myself loving them; waiting patiently as they count or sound out a word. 
Those nurturing moments, when I clean their glasses, and get them a snack, and listen to their stories. 
Those moments when my heart aches for them, and for what the world will see as their disadvantage. & then there's those moments when I am so excited for each small accomplishment and step. Where I praise them over and over again, because I know how badly they need it--how badly we all need it.


There's those mornings when I think, "I'm here for a reason."
I can't help but think, "This must be a small portion of how He feels when I'm headed in the right direction."


I'm learning to trust & to hope. To give a little bit of my heart, & trust that it's in good hands. To hope that even when it doesn't seem to make sense, it will work out how it should.
I'm learning to worship & to be grateful & to remember whose hands I'm in.
I'm learning to be me & to be okay,
     but to realize that it's okay to let people into that.
I'm learning to not take offense.  I'm learning to love people, even when they say things that are less than kind. I'm learning to ignore that word. 
I'm learning to bite my tongue.
But I'm also learning to be true to myself, and that sometimes it's ok to just say it how it is. I'm learning that not everyone will respect that, but that they don't need to.
I'm learning to not need apologies.
I'm learning. My goodness, I'm learning.
But I have a whole lot to learn. 


I guess I need a few more autumns.


But you wanna know what? He takes me where I am. Snotty nose, dirty fingers, stubborn, cautious, slow, and learning. He takes my mistakes and my re-mistakes, and He builds me back up and He gives me the chance to put those pieces back together.


Grateful doesn't even begin to describe it.

bonnets & multiple moms. --it's whatev.

prepare yourselves for one of those times where i ramble. bear with me.

first of all, allow me to share a story with you. this story shows my own ignorance. i feel it's important to first share this, so that i don't seem like i'm ridiculing anyone. keep in mind this entire post is made in good fun. :)

once upon a time...

as a junior in high school, there was the whole HUGE warren jeffs ordeal. so, like every other misinformed, culturally UNdiverse Nebraskan, i associated mr. jeffs with mormons. members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. i asked one of my very best friends in the whole wide world, who happens to be LDS, how many moms he had. literally. exactly like that. in front of way-too-many people. i walked right up to him, and thinking it was an innocent enough question, said, 

"how many moms do you have?"

hahahahahaha. obviously, i'm an awesome friend. but i swear i had no idea it was a rude thing to ask, or that people would die laughing, or that he would be so angry with me for asking, oops. 

i really thought "mormons have lotsa mommies per daddy. nbd." wrong, alison. so, so wrong.

[for those of you who are unaware, mormons DO NOT practice polygamy. nor have we for half a kajillion years. ish. [my math might be a little skewed. but you get the picture.]

anyway. so that's my ignorant-about-the-LDS-church-moment. i have since, thank goodness, learned more. and am quite happy with the fact that i am a member, now. [and by "quite happy" i actually mean "freakin ecstatic!!!", duhhh.]

okay, all of that being said... here's my favorite experience of the week. without a doubt.

my art teacher was teaching us about being pc. it was actually a pretty intense conversation, about not saying "Indian" when referring to "Native American"s.  he also taught us about being careful, when we teach students about Thanksgiving, etc., because it's so easy to just draw that typical cartoon Native American we all grew up drawing.  

however, if you think about it, that's totally not politically correct at all.

it's degrading. it's acting as if Native Americans have not developed at all, or they are still stuck in the past. i won't go on and on, but you get the picture.

so here was the example he gave. [and don't worry, i pretty much peed my pants. keep in mind i'd just listened for an hour on being pc and not being offensive. lucky for him, it's tough to offend me...]

"i mean, come on! we can't just keep drawing Native Americans like that! it'd be like if people still drew all white people looking like pilgrims, or Mormons, or something! i mean, if Native Americans drew white people to all look like Mormons, how would that make you feel? would you be ok with being depicted as a Mormon in every picture?"

he literally went on for aprox. eighty-four years. about looking like a Mormon.

i think he was meaning like, bonnet, horse-drawn buggy, etc...

unfortunately for him, he was completely off track with this statement. whoops!

so with that being said, i'd like to say that the world has a whole lot to learn about the LDS church...

[before you go on to read this, please know it's me being sarcastic & sassy as always, and in no way is or represents the doctrine of the church, etc. it's all said half-jokingly & in no way meant offensively.]

dear professor [whose name i will not list because i think you're a decent guy who just got a little mixed up],

i believe that what you were referring to when you said "mormons" is something like this:

if you were wondering, sir, i googled "amish", not "mormon" to get these pictures...

i know, i know; it's probably the white shirts, right?

it can be a bit confusing. ;)

i'm so glad we got that cleared up...

if i were being "depicted as a mormon," as you said, it might actually look a little something like this:

so to answer your question, i'd feel pretty dang good if this is what i am drawn to look like!! i don't know too many people would argue with being depicted as "mormon," after seeing this picture. :)

so glad we had this chit-chat.

xoxo, [yeah, i said "xoxo"--i want an A in your class, duh.]

alison

Awkward vs Awesome

awkward

• handshakes with a person you would prefer to hug. slash kiss. slash whatev. you get the picture...
• when you are fed up with the overuse of a word. and then freak out on the next person to use it / argue the use of it. holy temper, alison... [but really, it's a lame word. so i can only apologize for my temper, not for the fact that i hate it.]
• when you find out that "bang" is not an appropriate term for sexual intercourse. who knew? [not me.]
• boys. shoot. this makes the list every week.
• when you stand up and realize the back of your dress was definitely hoisted up. i'd have to say i'm pretty classy...
• when you accidentally read "heroes" as "herpes." again, classy.
• reading a painfully awkward conversation between a desperate, creepy girl trying to get on an innocent boy. not okay, sweetheart... :/
• church videos. practically peed my pants [err, dress?] during one of them...

awesome

• when a nice boy tells you your outfit matches the rain clouds [it was rainy, i was wearing tealy-grey]. & isn't hitting on you, but is just being nice. i appreciate these kinds of things. thank you for being a gentleman, and knowing how to give a compliment for reasons other than trying to get in my pants. very appreciated!!
• when people shake your hands with BOTH of their hands. you know? like the type where they like... hug your hand with theirs? it's nice.
• boy. that is all the details you get, for now... ;) [yeah. awkward AND awesome.]
• "if you get Heath Ledger, then I get Jennifer Aniston." --gabe, to me.
  "Umm she's mine! ..as in jennifer" --cass [out of nowhere. totally appreciated comment, though.]
  {i basically have the best, funniest friends.}
• when gabey posts a picture on my facebook wall, after a long week, and it says "if a guy can't handle a girl in sweatpants, he sure as hell doesn't deserve her in a wedding dress." some weeks, i need that reassurance...
• & finally, last but DEFINITELY not least... "i can't spoon with you anymore, i've used up my sin allowance." --gabe. HAHAHA. i laughed so hard at that.
• jamming in my car--legit dirty dancing & rapping like a freakin' gangsta & singing my little heart out. all while remaining in control of a motor vehicle. for 97 miles. with no worries about what the people in surrounding cars are thinking.
• the days you decide you're over it, and you put your chin up, and you love people as they are, and accept your differences, and move forward. because we should always be moving forward.
• new footloose soundtrack!!!
• falling?

ohh, single life.

"Being single used to mean that nobody wanted you. Now it means you're pretty sexy and you're taking your time deciding how you want your life to be and who you want to spend it with." -Sex and the City

I believe in taking my sweet time.  I believe in finding yourself before you go searching for love.  I believe in dating a lot of guys, and figuring out what  you love and what you hate.  I think it's okay if you say "Ehh, I just wasn't into it."  & I think that, as much as most girls don't want to say it, it's ok for guys to say that, too.  

I believe that He has a plan for each of us.  & I also believe that for me right now, that includes school & working & establishing a foundation for me &, ok, having a whole lot of fun.

& as much as I sometimes envy those girls around me who are married with babies on the way, & their lives are so put together, I don't think that my life is falling apart just because I don't have those things.  

I think that this morning I've realized how much He has in store for me.  & that if I have faith, that He will bless me in so many ways. 

[& that maybe, just maybe, one of those ways will be to drop a very alive, very sexy, very in love with me Heath Ledger off at my house ASAP.]

XO.

so for five weeks i'll...

say, 

"off limits." 

"absolutely not." 

"no way."

repeat.

---ramblefest.

some nights, i can't help but feel the distance from "that" girl to "this" girl. i can't help but realize how far i've come. i'm not even certain that that is an accurate statement--"how far i've come"?  more like "how far He's carried me."  some days i really see that transformation.  some days i feel it.
i don't think everyone necessarily gets that. i think it's hard to explain what it's like to go from being in such a dark place to actually being alive.  i can't explain to you the miracles i've seen in my life--the drastic changes, the doors that have been opened, the people who have taken care of me, my views that have been re-formed.
i can't explain all the details. 
i can't tell you what happened in between being "that" girl and becoming "this" girl. but i can tell you that the Gospel is real. that He lives. & that there is hope. 
i can tell you that even when "this" girl is far from where i should be, even when "this" girl makes mistakes & could be better, that even though i have a million & one ways to improve & to grow, that He loves me & that He knows me & that that relationship is real.
i can't honestly tell you that i have ever woken up & thought "this Gospel is the easiest path for me."  there are so many ways i could go that would be easier.  there are so many choices i could make that would be thoughtless & would not help me grow as a person & would improve my life in no way, shape, or form but would be easier. it's never occurred to me that living this way is the easiest way.  but i also wouldn't really consider living any other way. knowing what i know, & believing what i believe, there is no way i could ever go back to "that" girl.
"this" girl is much too happy.


excuse my ramblings.
tonight's been reminisce-y.


xo. 

uhohhhhh.

some days, i catch myself making decisions.
& as much as i think, "this is crazy!"
my heart says, "...but you should probably just go for it!"


....ohhh, boy. here goes...

inspirational-ish.

balls.






--kay, thanks, i feel better now, that's all.