who you are [jessie j]

don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars / seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing / it's okay not to be okay / sometimes it's hard to follow your heart / tears don't mean you're losing / everybody's bruising / just be true to who you are

[colors]

Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you're really looking for are the 64-color boxes with the sharpeners on the back. I fancy myself to be a 64-color box, though I've got a few missing. It's ok though, because I've got some more vibrant colors like periwinkle at my disposal.
I have a bit of a problem though in that I can only meet the 8-color boxes. Does anyone else have that problem? I mean there are so many different colors of life, of feeling, of articulation... So, when I meet someone who's an 8-color type, I'm like, “Hey girl, magenta!” and she's like, “Oh, you mean purple!” and she goes off on her purple thing, and I'm like, “No - I want magenta!”
{john mayer}

{& for all the tumble of her experiences, she still had hope.}

"Maybe tonight you’re scared of falling, and maybe there’s somebody here or somewhere else you’re thinking about, worrying over, fretting over, trying to figure out if you want to fall, or how and when you’re gonna land, and I gotta tell you friends that to stop thinking about the landing, because it’s all about falling."

"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength."

And for all the tumble of her experiences, she still had hope. Maybe this next time would do the trick. Or maybe not. But unless you stepped into the game, you would never know.

If you can't laugh at yourself, life's gonna seem a whole lot longer than you'd like. What do ya do? You laugh, you know, I'm not saying I don't cry... but in between, I laugh.

If I’m going to be alive, then I might as well be incredible.  I want to do more than just exist.

You never get over it.  But you get to where it doesn’t bother you so much.

It’s a lot easier to say you’re angry than to admit that you’re hurt.

We are constantly faced by great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems

Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in a world they've been given rather than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible is not a fact. Its an opinion. Impossible is not a declaration. Its a dare. Impossible is potential. Impossible is temporary. Impossible is nothing.

Never ignore a gut feeling. But never believe it's enough.

Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them.

I'm just a tremendous bundle of experience.

Leukemia & Lymphoma Society's [Light the Night Walk]

My sister sent me the following email & I just wanted to re-post it on here,

in case if anyone is interested. :)  Please keep in mind that every little bit helps.

I'm sure many of us are tight on cash & don't see how donating is do-able,

but please keep in mind that every little bit helps, and this is a life-changing

cause.  Giving up a your week's latte money or whatever it may be can impact

lives drastically.

"By small & simple means." :)  I encourage you all to at least take a look

at this, and consider what it could mean for so many families.  I know where my

Dr. Pepper and onion ring fund is going. :)  

I'm raising money for a very important cause, through The Leukemia & 

Lymphoma Society's Light The Night Walk:  finding better treatments and 

cures for blood cancers so patients can live better, longer lives. In October, 

my team - "V-Dub" - will be walking in the Omaha Metro LIght the Night 

Walk at the Heartland of America Park. Our goal is to raise as much money 

as possible -- we know that every bit can make a difference! I'm asking you 

to help by making a tax-deductible contribution!  Please use the link in this 

email to donate online quickly & securely.  You will receive an email 

confirmation of your donation as soon as it is made. I thank you in advance 

for your support which will make a difference in the lives of thousands of 

patients battling blood cancers.
   
I really appreciate your generosity!!
 
http://pages.lightthenight.org/ne/OmahaL11/RDavis
 
Thank you,
 
Rebekah

{awkward/awesome}

okay, so eeeeeveryone i know does these. & i always laugh really hard, at their stories. & due to the fact that i have at least a bajillion moments that qualify as awkward per day, i've picked out my favorite recent ones. enjoy :)


Awkward:
*When the boy who's trying to ask you out informs you how lucky you are to be asked out by him. I mean, not that being condescending isn't an awesome trait... But, rully [really]? Sweet.
*When you're describing said boy to someone, and think you're being super sneaky and tell them "he's a word that starts with d and ends with bag". & then later realize how blatantly obvious it was. Oops.
*[Disclaimer: I was tired] Being asked "[What's your phone] Number?" & responding "Well, aren't you just forward..." [Ok, not that awkward by itself. But I said it to a missionary. Oops.]
*Making small talk in singles ward, with single males, who wish to be less-than-single. [& being perfectly ok with my single status, for now. Whoops.]
*Having to admit that you're in pajamas. At four pm. [Hey, it's Sunday!]
*"We all know how it is. You go home from church, take your clothes off, & it's business as usual." <--Being the only one who caught how freakin' hilarious this quote was, in sacrament meeting [even though I know he meant changing from church clothes to regular clothes/pjs, and forgetting to keep the Sabbath, I still had to fight back giggles.]
*When Google Chrome tries to correct every freakin' other word I type. Rude...
*When you mean to hit ignore, are saying "ughhhhhh!" that this person is calling you, and accidentally hit answer. & then have to pretend you weren't loudly grumbling that they were calling you. Good one, Alison. Good one...


Awesome:
*Being one short week away from my birfday.
*My new-found positive attitude
*The fact that my fridge is stocked with chocolate chip cookie dough & garden cucumbers. & nothing else.
*My day in church. It was pretty fabulous.
*Momma's Reese's cupcakes [that I thought I forgot at home] that she snuck into my duffel bag, and sent to school with me.
*Having four empty Dr. Pepper cans on my desk. & by awesome, I might also mean "disgusting" and "obesity risk". But mostly awesome. ;)
*When my sister referred to her palms as her "Jesus spots." & we understood what she meant. Classic.
*Not knowing where my life is going, or what will happen, but knowing what I want the end result to be. As far as what happens between here and there... I'm up for anything. :)

tender/kind/refined/faith/goodness/virtue/purity

I'm re-blogging this entire thing. I have been re-reading my own blog tonight [I swear I'm not "self absorbed", I just like to remember where I come from, and how I'm growing.] & this one stood out to me. 

"The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender. There are enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind. There are enough women who are rude; we need women who are refined. We have enough women of fame and fortune; we need more women of faith. We have enough greed; we need moregoodness. We have enough vanity; we need more virtue. We have enough popularity; we need more purity.

Oh, how we pray that every young woman will grow up to be all the wonderful things she is meant to be. We pray that her mother and father will show her the right way. May daughters of God honor the priesthood and sustain worthy priesthood holders. May they understand their own great capacity for strength in the timeless virtues that some would scoff at in a modern, liberated world for women."

--Margaret D. Nadauld

I just read this talk & it is amazing [note: it's so good that I mean that "amazing" as "uh-may-ziiiiing"]. I'm sitting in my room, totally overwhelmed. But not in that Alison-can't-breathe-and-is-a-hot-mess type of way. More of the Alison-is-completely-content-to-the-point-where-her-chest-might-burst type of way. [Bear with me, here. I swear I'm going to try to make sense.]

"The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender."

Oh, my goodness, if you only knew how badly I needed to hear that. I've been sooo back and forth lately. You have no idea. My life's a rollercoaster, and I am apparantly suuuuper sensitive to motion sickness. [Terrible analogy, I know.] I've pretty much been the can't-breathe-and-is-a-hot-mess version of me that I was telling you about. For no particular reason, really.

I think a main thing I struggle with admitting is that in the past couple of years I went from being strong and tough to a total softy. & I've fought every second of this lovey version of myself. Really. I have. 

But I think I needed to hear that loving and caring and being tender is not only "okay" or "fine," but wonderful. That there are enough tough women, and that maybe what the world needs more than anything from me is love. I can handle that. I love love! Maybe it's not so important that I be this rock and be tough 24/7.  Maybe I just need to be real. Maybe I just need to show His love and joy in my life to those around me every single day.

Answers come. The more I questioned myself and what I wanted and who I was, the more confused I got. But I want those things: to be tender, kind, refined, virtuous, pure, and to have faith. And tonight I was reminded of how important those things are to me, how much my soul truly aches to "grow up to be all the wonderful things I am meant to be."

I love the gospel.

How often do I take the time to say that? Not enough, I can tell you that much. But I do, with all of my heart, and then some.

I worry that people don't know what I believe because so much of me is still this sarcastic, sass-a-frass girl, with a thousand opinions a minute and a giant attitude. I'm rarely shy with my thoughts [& if I am you should be extra worried, because they will all come out at once, soon and very soon ;)]. I tend to say things exactly how I see them. I feel like, at times, Little Miss Sassy [aka me] gets in the way of people seeing how much I truly do love this gospel and want to live it every single day.

I truly, deeply love the truth and happiness my experiences this past year have brought me. I am so grateful for all of the changes I have made in my life. & I know that, no matter what I do, He loves me so much more than I can even imagine.

How blessed am I?!

One last thought, which also comes straight from this talk:

"Where much is given, much is required. Our Heavenly Father asks His daughters to walk in virtue, to live in righteousness so that we can fulfill our life’s mission and His purposes. He wants us to be successful, and He will help us as we seek His help."

Where much is given, much is required. How much clearer could that be?!

Life is so good. We just hang in there, and give it our best, and He'll take care of the rest.

This is probably the worst time to throw a movie reference out there, but you know I'm all about the movie references. So please excuse me. :)

You know on Hitch, where Hitch is teaching the guy to kiss, and he tells the guy that he has to go 90%, and then the girl will go 10%?

Well, I think that it's pretty much like that, except I'm not kissing Jesus.

I go as far as I can go [with Him beside me every step of the way] and when I think I can't go any further, I push just a little further, and when I truly can't drag myself along any more, He'll pick up the slack. He'll always do what I can't. How amazing is that?!

So sometimes, maybe I'll only do 30% of the work, but if I'm putting 110% of my energy and effort into that, He loves me enough to do the other 70%.

God is good. Life is good.

[I know I am totally being preachy, but this was all racing around in my head and I had to get it out there. So excuse my messiness in telling you all of this and the fact that I used a movie reference about kissing to relate my relationship with Christ to you, but... It's me. You can only expect so much. :)]

"He wants us to be successful, and He will help us as we seek His help."

tender...kind...refined...faith...goodness...virtue...purity

[blessings]

To be honest, I've been in a funk. I've been pissy, and I've been sad, and I've just been every negative emotion. And the longer I was like that, the more upset I was getting that I couldn't just wake up, just one day, and be positive and trust the plan and be me again.

Seriously, everything seemed to go wrong, the past couple of weeks. I won't go into details, mostly because I don't have a whole lot of polite things to say. ;) But... it wasn't the best.

I'm hoping that this ends that. I'm hoping that today was the answer. I'm hoping that I'm going to have a fabulous week and welcome the Spirit into my life and be happy.

Today, I thought of how much I have to be grateful for. I really do have so much. I am so freakin' blessed, and yet I just spent days, wondering "why this, why that?" Who.freakin.cares. Time to be positive, and to recognize what I do have:

--An amazing family. My momma made me supper this weekend, and proofread my paper, and did my laundry. She still takes care of me. & she doesn't even whine about it. My daddy would do anything for me. And I do mean anything. He once called and yelled at a [w]itch parking lady. & he must've done a good job, because she apologized to me. My parents got me through my darkest times--picked me up, and hugged me, and loved the crap out of me, when I didn't deserve it one bit. My sisters both get me...Every little quirk & habit. & they love me anyway. They make me laugh and I know that, no matter what, they'll always be my best of friends. While we don't all see eye-to-eye on everything, I do know how blessed I am to have them.

--The opportunity to go to school. I know I'm blessed to have the scholarships I have. I know this will open up so many doors for me. [It's just hard to remember that when your teachers assign a thousand and two things the first week, and you spend an arm and TWO legs for your freakin' books. ;)] & someday I'm going to have an awesome career!! Someday...

--My friends. Holy cow, I have some of the best friends. 

Last week I called my absolute best friend in the world at, like, one in the morning, crying about some boy [pshhh, his loss.] and do you know what she told me? She told me how I'm not self-centered, how I am always thinking of others, how I'm a good friend to people, and how I should never listen to people who want to say negative things about me behind my back. And you know what? I believe her. Because the thing is, if I was being a biotch, I really think she would tell me. :) I'm so, so lucky to have someone who will remind me who I am, when I'm a hotmess.

I have other really great friends, too. Friends who make me laugh my butt off, and friends who will call me just to say goodnight, and friends who will leave me Facebook comments about spooning [seriously, Gabe leaves me at least 10 a week], and friends who accept me--outspoken, crazy, me. And, really, what more could I ask for? I know so, so many people who have to try around their friends--I show up, in sweats, with no makeup, rambling a thousand words a minute, and they love me anyway.

--The Gospel. I can honestly say that living by the principles and standards of the church has never been the easiest choice for me. There are days when I'm exhausted, and I am tired of trying to constantly grow, and improve, and be better than I was the day before. And I know that so many people wonder why I do it. But I am blessed because of it. I learn so much about myself, when I do what I know is right. I feel happier and more successful. & it's not that since I was baptized, my life has been perfect--far from it.  But I know that I am doing what is right. I know that we are here to learn and to grow and to stretch in ways we don't think we're capable of.  That is a blessing.

--Material things. I have somewhere to sleep every night. I have food to eat. I have everything I need, and then some.

--Music. Ohmygoodness, music. It keeps me sane. Sometimes I think I make that two-hour drive home so that I have two hours of me + music. No distractions. [I probably should be distracted by driving... Obviously, I'm an awesome vehicle operator. Oops.]

depression doesn't wait.

http://www.thedailybeast.com/videos/2010/11/11/marie-osmond-on-oprah.html

this is one of the most inspirational things i'd ever heard, a few months ago. i actually think about it often & for some reason, this morning i decided to watch it. every time, her statement stands out to me, that depression doesn't wait. i think that throughout this summer, this quote has come slamming into me fullforce over and over, as a reminder to be kind and to drop everything for people, when they need it. & i'm so grateful for the knowledge she was willing to share with the world.
[& for the record, on that subject... http://www.twloha.com is my FAVORITE organization in the whole world. check it.]

things i've learned in the past week.

--it's okay to be a freakin' wreck, as long as you're strong sometimes too. [i swear, i can be strong. i used to be a little too tough for my own good. but my goodness, this week is not demonstrating the tough girl in me.]
--when in doubt, get on your knees & pray. & not just say some half-meaningless words & hop in bed, but pray your heart out & wait for those answers. because even though they haven't come yet, they will. they have to. right? patience...
--sometimes you have to make yourself a priority. sometimes you have to choose things that will make you happy in the long run. some people will say you're "all about yourself" or self-centered or selfish. & you just have to know your own heart, & follow it, regardless.
--no one really wants the truth. they want you to pucker up & kiss ace. & sometimes, it's easiest to do just that.
--the church is true. the people are human. there can be a definite distinction between the two, sometimes...
--running can cure every heart ache that dr. pepper can't.
--never, ever take this many credits. you will want to shoot yourself.
--my underwear cover more than at least 59.3% of the girls on campus' shorts do. supa' classy.
--your faith will be tried. no one gets an easy path with only simple choices and decisions to make. no one gets all happy, feel good moments. there's going to be rough patches & moments you question everything you stand on. but that doesn't make it an ounce less true. it just forces your faith to swell.
--in the end, it all comes down to just you & Him. but it's okay to let other people help you on this journey.
--it's okay to be alone and not be miserable. it's okay to watch people leave, and not feel much of anything. it's okay to not be angry or sad or anything. & don't you dare force feelings that don't exist.


it's bedtime. 
--a

kisses aren't contracts.

"You learn. After a while, you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand & chaining a soul, & you learn that love doesn't mean leaning, & company doesn't mean security. & you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts & presents aren't promises. & you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open; with the grace of a woman not the grief of a child. & you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans, & futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. & you learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong & you really do have worth. & you learn and learn. With every goodbye, you learn.”

one thing is always clear: i am blessed

this morning at church, i heard one of the best talks i've ever heard. it was a member from the family ward, who came to speak at our singles ward, and ohmygoodness, i loved it.
he spoke on happiness, and how to achieve happiness at home [or in our everyday lives, really]. it was seriously the most touching talk and it really got me thinking about the little things i can be doing to make sure i am happy with my life, every day. i think it just really made me realize how incredibly blessed i am, & yet, how much i could improve on personally.
my favorite part of the talk, he told about his brother, who was an alcoholic and an inactive member of the church. he lost his job, and was unemployed for a few years, when he went seeking help from the church. because of that unemployment, and the trials he faced, he is now an active member of the church and has been sealed to his wife for time & all eternity in the temple.
it really made me realize that trials are often, if not always, blessings. that i might whine&complain, but He is teaching me something if i will shut up long enough to listen to Him.
i know that i have definitely grown because of adversity and trials in my life. it has made me a strong-willed person, and has taught me not only how to be okay on my own, but also how to ask someone for help. it has helped me humble myself and go to people when i do need to.
if things were always easy, i would not have learned to trust in Heavenly Father in the way that i have. i would not have grown through my circumstances. i would not be blessed in many of the ways that i am.

i was talking to someone recently, and they told me that "it doesn't matter" about something that really bothers me. they told me something to the effect of "love them and just move forward." & you know what? generally i would say "screw you, it matters to me!" but they were so so right.
i think it's so easy to get caught up in the little things. to stress about something that, to be quite honest, isn't up to you to change. i guess what i'm saying is it's okay to just say "it's not my problem. i will love you no matter what, but this is not my problem."
& that's something i had been failing to do.

i start school tomorrow [yuck]. i'm not overly excited about that, but i am ready to have some sort of routine back and to be able to do things for myself on my time again. :)

to end things, it's definitely time for a grateful list. because, really, when was the last time i did this? [way too long ago. shoot.]
--dr pepper. mmmm....
--the opportunity to go to church this morning
--getting mostly unpacked, and still having some spare time
--a new bottle of fingernail polish :)
--figuring out how to run my brita pitcher, so i don't have to drink this city's nasty chlorine-y water.
--hectic-ness. it makes the calm seem that much better.

{wise words}

Today, you could do some things. You could actually seek correction. You could keep a commitment. You could work hard. You could help someone else. You could plow through adversity. And as we do those things, day after day, by and by, we will find that we have learned whatever God would teach for this life, and for the next, with Him.


Everybody in this life has their challenges and difficulties. That is part of our mortal test. The reason for some of these trials cannot be readily understood except on the basis of faith and hope because there is often a larger purpose which we do not always understand. Peace comes through hope.

Don't worry about your clumsily expressed feelings. Just talk to your compassionate, understanding Father. You are His precious child whom He loves perfectly and wants to help. As you pray, recognize that Father in Heaven is near and He is listening.

-----

i'm over this town. i'm over babying people's feelings, & never saying "hey, this is how it is."
yeah, that's right. i've been passive. & that's totally and completely my fault, i know.
but myyyyy goodness... some.frickin.days.

okay.

i know that God hears me, even when i don't say much, because things like this pop up on my computer screen.

today i'm grateful that there is Someone out there, listening to what i say and to what my heart says. & i'm extra grateful for little reminders to breathe.

[it's not the end.]