holy past two months. holy kajillion feelings. holy ups and downs. ho. ly. hell.
on april 27th, i wrote:
"I didn't picture my semester ending like this. Actually, if you'd asked me a week ago, I'd have told you things were perfect. I'd have had a cheery smile and a positive attitude and I'd have worked my butt off to believe it."
it seems weird to me that that was only a little over two months ago.
this summer has been all about growth. i've learned so much...i'm learning so much.
i've learned that it's okay to have your feelings, and not apologize for them. i learned to stick up for myself. and not in the same way i once did: not in this loud, outspoken, say-whatever-i-want-to way. but just to say "this is how i feel, and that shouldn't be insignificant." i learned that you decide how people treat you. and i learned that you don't have to take people's crap, but you also don't have to be angry with them. i learned that sometimes you will deserve an apology. and that you won't always get one, and that's okay.
i think i'm more passive than i've ever been. and yet i'm not defeated. and i didn't know that i could be both passive, and yet strong. i never knew the two could coexist.
i learned that sometimes people screw up. & i learned to just accept that for what it is, and not take it personally. i learned that it's not about me, at all. & i learned that sometimes situations suck, and to just deal with it.
i learned to shut the frick up. i learned that it's okay to know when people are being dishonest, and not to call them on it. i learned that it's not my problem. i learned that it's not about me--that it's between them and God.
i learned to choose who i want in my life. and i learned that sometimes that has consequences.
i learned that you can't tell your heart what to feel. i learned to trust in Heavenly Father's plan more and more each day. i learned to trust myself. i learned that there are good people. i learned that i should be with someone who makes me truly happy. i learned that i want to be with someone who makes me laugh, and who i can lose all track of time with, and who i can fully trust with anything. i learned that i want to be with someone who honors their priesthood.
this summer has been surprisingly refreshing. i know that makes no sense. i feel like according to others, i should have been hurt, like i should have been broken, like i should have felt a whole lot of things that i just simply didn't feel. i'm certain that people are doubting my intentions, or my feelings, or me.
& i think that all of this--every single minute of it--is just a reminder of how blessed i am. i braced myself for that conversation. i readied myself for those feelings. in my heart, i knew that was coming. i feel like the more i prayed, the more i just knew. i feel like He warned me for months.
& i feel like people think i'm being insensitive to the situation, or like i don't care. & in some ways, that's correct: i don't care like i used to. but i don't feel that's as insensitive as some people would like to believe. i think that if there was a list of facts--cold hard facts--that it would make more sense. & the fact of the matter is, i have that list of facts in my head, and it makes my decisions that much easier.
the truth is that i don't believe in letting people control my life. that i feel confident in my choices the past two months.
the truth is that i am happy--and that in my heart i know i deserve that. the truth is that i never knew i could trust someone like this. that i didn't ask for this or expect it, but that i'm so, so happy and grateful.
because the thing is, i know that He has a plan & that it is perfect. & right now, i know that this is where i am supposed to fit into the plan. & that's all that matters to me.
above all else, i learned to stop worrying. i learned to just take it as it is. a month ago, i was a mess. a sobbing, hyseterical mess. for one day. & that since that original shock, i have just accepted things as they've come. i've given it all to Him and am just taking it one step at a time.
and i feel i've been blessed a billion times over for my trust in Him. i believe that when we trust Him and follow His will instead of our own, we can truly find happiness and peace.
& i've once again relearned my favorite phrase:
come what may & love it.
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