you & i

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ud4TVZSt754&feature=related

one of my favorite songs & i loooove their cover. gorg harmonies.

Dear Elder...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=npe-RwInkTU


"Dear Elder,
Remember that one time I blew you off & I told you I didn't care what you had to say? Or that one time, you gave me a Book of Mormon & I promise you I would never read it? & the several weeks I told you, "What? This Sunday? I think I'm busy..." & I'll never forget the time that you asked me to pray, and I laughed for ten minutes straight and then just called you silly...


Dear Elder,
Do you remember when I showed  you my scriptures and it was covered in highlighter, and when I started to call you to make the appointments? Do you remember that phone call when I described my whole closet to you, upset I didn't own a single skirt or dress?


Elder,
Do you remember when you taught me how to talk to my Father in Heaven? How I just tried to describe this indescribable happiness I was feeling that has not gone away and continues to grow...
Remember all the times when I overcame, conquered, progressed; When I was doing things I never thought I could do. Or when I called  you, at four in the morning, telling you I wanted to get baptized? When you put your hands on my head to receive the greatest gift I could ever receive, ever? Elder, do you remember when you showed me a better way of living? Do you remember when I started to become the person Heavenly Father has wanted me to become, all along?


....


Dear Elder,
Thank you. Thank you for what you are doing. Thank you for your example, for the Spirit you always have, for your prayers, and for all of your sacrifices; for pushing through any insecurities or struggles you may have.
Someone just as scared as you may be saved my life.
Do not give up, do not get discouraged, keep going.
What you are doing does make a difference. This is so real.
I am here because of it.


I am one of those rescued."


I am in love with this video.
In love.
What a beautiful soul; a beautiful testimony.


I don't know how she possibly picked what to say, and what to leave out.
If I wrote one, parts would be eerily similar. The closet--totally had that experience! (Except, mine was more of a "I have nothing that covers me" not "I have no dresses" experience. Hahaha. But seriously, he could probably tell you half of the clothes I own, I told him so often. Every Saturday was a battle, trying to figure out what to wear on Sunday. He heard all about it.) I will admit I laughed when he would ask me to pray or read my scriptures. There was no way I was going to do that. I had set my little stubborn mind against it.  I was not going to be Mormon. Heck no.
...& look at me now. Some days I'm "so Mormon" it scares even me. ;)


Dear Elder,
Remember when I was never, ever, no-matter-what going to be a Mormon? Remember when I wanted nothing to do with the church? Remember when the last thing I wanted to hear was that Heavenly Father loved me? And do you remember how that was the most important thing in the world for me to learn?
Do you remember how I would argue with you? How I would ask why things were the way they are, over and over? How I would insist you were wrong, but never felt like I was right? Do you remember how you taught me to pray? How you taught me to talk to Him, and know that He was listening?
Remember that first time, when you "tricked" me into taking those lessons? When you called me, during my naptime, and I answered the phone not realizing it was you? Remember when I was never going to take those lessons, and He had a different plan? Remember when you stuck to His plan, over and over?
Do you remember every time you held your tongue, when I was so frustrating? And do you remember how much I needed your blunt comments, at times?  Remember how much you hated my "stupid booty shorts"? And how ticked I was that you said that? Remember how you taught me to be a lady?
Do you remember that night, when I told you every reason I would never be a member of this church? Do you remember how I told you you were wasting two years of your life--how what you were doing didn't matter? & do you remember, that next morning, when you gave me a lesson--the lesson?
Because I could never forget; I will never forget. I was wrong, and He is right. Thank you, for teaching me that, no matter how exhausted you were.
Do you remember, when you baptized me? Do you remember, when you gave that talk right before? Remember how the room felt--how strong it was? Do you remember the moment you changed my life, forever? Do you realize what that means to me? Do you know how happy I am it was you, in that water with me?
Thank you for answering my questions, month after month. Thank you for teaching and re-teaching those lessons. For pushing me, without being pushy. For never allowing me to be a number. And for loving me when you (really, really) wanted to strangle me; thank you for always, always showing me His love.
Thank you for saving my life. For turning me around. Thank you for helping me realize my potential. Thank you for loving me, when I fall short of that potential time and time again. Thank you for always having faith that I'll get there, and for always encouraging me.
& thank you, for being my Elder, my role model, my friend, and my big brother.

prettypretty please hurry the h up.

If the children don’t get a bit calmer, soon, I might pull every single strand of my hair out. They were that crazy, today. I know they’re only 6 & 7 years old. But today I wanted to say, “Listen, babes. I know this means nothing to your brains but IT IS FINALS WEEK. & I’m stressed the freak out! So please be angels today.” Over. & over. & over.

Examples of my day:

During the math sing-along Boy #1 was being COMPLETELY obnoxious. After a thousand and six warnings, I sent him to the safe seat (aka timeout).  He continued being absolutely out of control. So I took the chair away from him, and had him sit on the floor. & (Teacher of the Year Award) forgot him there, for longer than I’m willing to publicly admit. Oopsies! I completely got sidetracked and just forgot I’d left him there. More on this later.

During writing centers, one boy colored his entire pant leg with marker (let’s hope his momma has some good stain remover).  & then lied to me and said it was an accident. An accident that was, by the way, in the form of stars all over his pant leg. Poor little guy—I hate when markers have a mind of their own and accidentally draw stars all over my pants. That’s the pits. Safe seat #2 of the day.

We also had a little potty mouth in the classroom today. & for those of you who know me well, you know I think that bad words are hilarious. I just do. Terrible habit. You have no idea how hard it is for me not to laugh when his little six-year-old tongue spits out “holy shhh…”  You have no idea how much harder it is to keep a straight face when I remind that we need to use school-appropriate language that doesn’t hurt Miss Davis’ ears.

I also had a ten minute debate with a first grader. Please tell me if I’m incorrect. ;)  We were working on rhyming words.  She needed to think of a word that rhymes with “stop” and write it.” I suggested “hop” and “mop.”  She said, “No, octopus.”  We then debated for ten minutes about what a rhyme was.  She told me words that rhymed with at least 10 other words: “Had?” “Dad.” Etc.  We came back to it.  “What rhymes with stop?”  *GIANT pause* “OCTOPUS!” I surrendered and said, “Let’s just skip that one.”

I’m not a teacher… I’m a mother. Seriously. Today I washed two faces, put hair up in a ponytail, tied shoes, gave out snacks, said “Blow your nose, sweetheart” at least a thousand times, gave a jillion high fives, reminded about inside voices and kind words and being a good friend, and scratched plenty of backs while they worked.

& in some ways, I am like, “Holy cow, I can’t be a mother for a long time. This is so stressful!” & in others, it makes me realize that I want that more than anything.  I love those kiddos.

Some days are just killers.  Some days I want to pull my hair out and cry.  But there are those teensy victories, that make me love the job more than anything.

--Awesome standard scores

--Boy #1 (who I forgot in timeout) gave me a hug, and apologized for his “un-apwop-wee-ut” behavior.  My heart melted a little, and I forgave him in 3 seconds flat.

--Getting a colored picture from one of the kiddos today. My fridge is covered in artwork. & I love it.

--Being told, “I wish I had a shirt just like yours.” From a boy.

--The children were def all medicated today. (Pretty unusual. We’ve usually got several who “forgot” to take their pill.) Blessings.

--“What’s your FAVORITE type of cake??” *pause* “Dragon cake.” (Isn’t that everyone’s?)

--Hugs. Ohh, hugs. I don’t mind that my pants & shirt have weird snot streaks on them. It happens. But those little hugs are the best.

--The kids all think I’m bomb because I do “magic” ties when I tie their shoes and (gasp) THEY DON’T COME UNTIED. (Aka…double knot. Hahaha. It sounds cooler that they’ve all coined them “Miss Davis’ Magic Ties”)

Love my job. Love my life. Time for Christmas break, yo.

Bind my wandering heart to Thee

"bind my wandering heart to Thee / prone to wander, Lord, i feel it / prone to leave the God i love / here's my heart, oh, take and seal it..."
ohh, i love this song. someone just introduced me to it this week and i've listened to it a jillion and twelve times; love his voice, love the lyrics, love the message. <3


today i'm lovin' the fact that i went to my final & successfully played a hymn. bam. Heavenly Father was definitely lookin' out for me there. hahaha.


i'm also loving that my professor awkwardly said, "umm... you have something on your dress..."
(me, frantically looking down, & seeing dried snot all over my cute black dress.)
"ohh... gosh... --i mumble something about the kids and how they're constantly wiping their hands all over me--"
"oh... i didn't realize you had children. how old are they?"


...awkward giant explanation of why i have boogers all over me.
next lesson: using a kleenex, not our hands. & if we use our hands, we wipe it on ourselves not on Miss Davis' pretty dress. sigh.
gotta love my job.


ok, well... time to pretend i care about school!
only a few more days....

--the babes

ok, i'm having a proud momma bragging moment.
the kiddos all did SO SO good on their standards! ahhh!! i've never been so proud of them. day one was a success--hopefully tomorrow goes just as great. :)
--i love my job.

kelly clarkson type of day...

nothing's real until you let go completely; so here i go with all my thoughts i've been saving; so here i go, with all my fears weighing on me.
& i don't know, i could crash & burn but maybe at the end of this road, i might catch a glimpse of me; so i won't worry bout my timing, i want to get it right; no comparing, second guessing, no, not this time. three months, & i'm still breathing. been a long road since those hands i left my tears in. <3 

if we are with Him, we're there.

‎"So many Christians are childish – in the back seat, whining and complaining to the Father: “Are we there yet? Why aren’t we there? What’s going on?” And the Father says, “My son, my daughter, can you be quiet and enjoy the ride? I’m doing good things in your life. Can you stop worrying and just enjoy My company? Can you open your eyes to where you are and see the beauty of where I have you right now?” God wants you to enjoy the ride. And He Himself is the destination anyway. So there’s no sense in asking, “Are we there yet?” [because if we are with Him, we’re there.]" ♥


I know, I know. I'm the-worst-ever about getting impatient & trying to figure out "what He wants' from me.
This week I will work on enjoying the ride. I will work on me.


Grateful List:
--a boyfriend who is kind & truthful & understanding & way too good for me; one who makes me laugh so hard & really, really gets me. one who is patient with my impatience & encourages me; one who expects my very best & gives me his.
--a lazy day. i had a giant list of things to get done today. i literally didn't check a single thing off my list. but do you know what? i feel a thousand times better.
--yummy supper & good company
--the semester being soooo close to being over.
--getting a mani; & getting cute little christmasy designs painted on said nails.
--church tomorrow; ohh, thank.freakin'.goodness.for.the.gospel.


<3 

that awkward moment when someone misses the memo that you were joking?

[please read this, keeping in mind the fact that i'm a very sarcastic person]

so. funny story:

my bff gabe? yeah. sometimes rand-o girls fall in love with him. & flirt publicly with him. & it's fun. i like to remind them all that i'm the only woman he needs in his life. [besides his mom. i guess he can keep her around. i gueeeess...]

so anyway. saw this post on his facebook. and commented COMPLETELY sarcastically. & the girl got legitimately angry! hilarious.

don't worry, i played along. & kept the conversation flowing.

i feel like i made a new friend? we're prob-skies gonna hang out soon.

#girlsareweird 
#iwaskiddingsweetheart 
#chilltheeffout?

because i'm blessed

ok, so confession:
i've been wanting to do a grateful list for a while, but just couldn't bring myself to do it amongst all the cliche thanksgiving gratefulness. so... now that thanksgiving is over, i can get back to my regular grateful lists. :)


I'm grateful for...
--a boy [he would make me say "man" but it's my blog, so whatev] who never gave up on me & helped me find/build my own foundation, on my terms and in my way.
--& every stubborn lecture that came/comes along with it. booty shorts [& all things modest], reading my scrips, attending my meetings, not cursing, and remembering not to worry.
--hearing, "i raised you well." & laughing because it was a joke, but smiling because i knew it had sincerity behind it & maybe i'm not as terrible at this as i tend to believe.
--sleeping in, over break. actually getting sleep & just feeling normal again. sleep deprivation sucks.
--learning to [mostly] hold it together. learning to find the positive. learning to be okay with their choices.
--a boyfran who tells me i'm pretty & is patient & honors his priesthood & makes me smile.
--dreaming in Chinese. i hadn't for a while, and was worried i was losin' the language.
--a job that i'm in love with & the precious kiddos i teach.
--boys who are fully serving Him. He has some of the best (& some of my own personal favorite) people in the world workin' for Him right now, so i'd say that means there's plenty of hope left in this world.
--the rc.
--being told something a jillion times, & then finally having it click.
--serving others. i think i really realized just how much i love it, this week.
--having one of my best friends in the whole wide world serving the Lord. & all of the uplifting things he tells me. & getting hilarious emails from him every week. this week's highlight?: "if you go and get married before I get home I SWEAR!!!!!" hahahaha. [& no, no that will not be happening. :)]
--dr. pepper. a year ago right now, i was having the biggest withdrawals of my life, without it. i think drinking it makes life complete. :) [addict? yesh.]
--cassie. i could write a novel, right here, about her. but that'd be slightly les. so i'll keep it simple & just say she's the best bestfran in the whole wide world.
--warm-ish weather. i am loving this mild winter. [knock on wood.]

[occupy]

i'll admit it: i don't get this whole "occupy" movement.
but i have made some observations...
is having a bunch of people sit on the ground with a poster really making an impact? is it?
yes, it's on the news. i've watched i don't even know how many people get pepper sprayed.
and do you want to know what i thought, as i watched it?
"holy shhh, that would hurt."
i don't walk away from the tv screen, thinking about how important their movement is, because i'm so busy trying to figure out what it would feel like to be pepper sprayed.
effective?
...not really.


& i know what the argument is: this is how people have gotten things done in the past--movements.
but i struggle to see the connection between this and, say, the civil rights movement.
they had structure. they had passion. they were speaking out, not just sitting down. they were more concerned with the end result they were striving for, than how many people they have lined up, posterboard in hand with a catchy slogan.


so, i guess if you want to, go ahead and "occupy". "occupy" those sidewalks to your little heart's content... but i don't expect much change to come from it.


on that note, i'd also like to say that maybe i just don't get it. maybe this is a huge ordeal and i should be more concerned. maybe i should be worried about wall street & finances & corruption.
but to be quite honest, who gives a crap? is that really what we're worried about? is that really what matters?


did you know that something like 30% of children in Buffalo County regularly miss meals?  those are the children in our neighborhoods. that's in the mid-west, which is widely accepted as a hospitable place to be... what do you think those rates are like in inner-cities?
did you know that every 40 seconds, someone commits suicide; were you aware that by 2020, that rate is expected to have risen to one death every 20 seconds? that's three a minute.
were you aware that in the Democratic Republic of the Congo, the most deadly war since WWII is happening, right now? did you realize that they are sending boys who are too small to hold a gun with just a whistle, to try to distract or scare their enemies? did you know that every single day, 1,500 people in the DRC die, as a direct result of the war? did you know that sexual violence is more rampant there than anywhere else in the world--that it's been called the worst place to be a woman?
did you know that in the U.S. in 2009, there were 5,016 hate crimes against people of homosexual orientation? that's almost 14 a day. and do you honestly think those rates have dropped since then?


and, what you're telling me, is that we're worried about spending our time and energy on occupying? that that is more important than these real issues? that standing up to some faceless corporation is more important than standing up for the real issues that real people are facing?
i don't know what else to say, other than that those are the most screwed up priorities i've ever heard of. correct me if i'm wrong, but that sounds an awful lot like bullshit to me.

fact:
today, my professor (who previously lectured me on using the word 'pissed' and said it was a curse word) said "What the hell difference does it make whether a kid is learning from an iPad or a magazine?!" as well as saying 'penis' in conversation... :/

*cricket chirpy noise*


.......awkward.

thoughts of the week.

--boys are weird. it makes me extremely uncomfortable when they try to hit on me. i know some girls like when random guys they barely know flirt with them... but i am not one of those girls.
what i said: (silence)
what i wanted to say: "ohh, you like my eyes?? really? that's so sweet... i actually have the same eyes as my grandma. and she's single (unlike me) so if you want, i could give you her number...? she's a really good cook. so ya know."
--tj maxx is heaven. love, love, love. <3 
--speaking of girls who like boys, someone on my facebook friends list makes up imaginary boyfriends. it's really awkward. & i wonder if other people notice, or it's just me... 
note to all girls: it's not acceptable to create boyfriends (& dramatic breakups?) past grade school. thank you.
--i'm going to save up for a pony. and to pay someone to pick up the pony's poo, because have you ever seen how big their poo is? yuck.
--you know you have a keeper when you find THE MOST hideous outfit at the store, put it on, text a picture of it to a boy and he still says you're pretty. (i generally don't condone lieing, but i make exceptions for this.)
--mannheim steamroller is freakishly good. & they have a recorder player. #lifegoal.
--i will not cry, i will not cry, i will not cry, i will not cry....
--my job is better than your job.
--is it turkey day yet? pretty, pretty pleaseeee? [ps: note to the family... if there's no green bean casserole, i'm not coming. xoxo.]

--just saying.

--change--

We are taught you must blame your father, your sisters, your brothers, the school, the teachers - you can blame anyone but never blame yourself. It's never your fault. But it's always your fault, because if you wanted to change, you're the one who has got to change. It's as simple as that, isn't it?  
--Katherine Hepburn

j & the toothfairy

i love my job.
love it.
today i have to brag about how awesome it is, and how freakin' funny those babes are.


"j" lost his tooth last week. not just lost, but lost it while eating carrots, and noticed like thirty minutes later. he screamed "MISS DAVIS!!!" he then told me (all of this in hysterics, with his cute little seven-year-old lisp) that he lost his tooth.
i instantly thought, "he swallowed it."
but of course we had to search the classroom high & low for this tooth. (while it jiggled around in his tummy. it's whatev.)
i finally explained to him that it was in his tummy.
"NOoooOOooooOOO!!! I have to get MONEY!"
i.
tried.
every.thing.
to calm him down.
& he was absolutely hysterical. tears in his bambi eyes [you know, bambi eyes... like... how little kids have big round eyes when they're sad? those are the ones.] & whimpery noises... the whole she-bang.
& did i mention this kid is ADORABLE?? absolutely precious.
so it broke my heart.
(&, ok, i giggled inside a little, too...)
finally, i broke out my last resort:
"do you want me to call the tooth fairy? we're friends..." --me
[instantly calm] "Yeah!" --j
hahahaha. what an awesome kid.
so "the toothfairy" told me that if he wrote a letter to her, and explained what happened, she'd still come.


good news, folks.
one short phone call home to mom (she's besties with the tooth fairy, too?? hmm, weird...), and twenty minutes spent on a letter to the toothfairy,
and j got a visit from none other than the tooth fairy, that night!
*whew!*


so, today, he came up to me with the biggest grin on his face, and handed me a card. it was a thank you card from his mom, for helping him write the letter, and she was so sweet; in it he wrote "thank you. i got two dollars."
hahahaha. i love that kid.
basically, today i remembered why i want this career. not necessarily because i love teaching seven year olds that the fifth tally mark is a slant ("close the gate!"). not necessarily because i enjoy reminding them every five minutes to control their bodily functions ("get your hands out of your pants," "go blow your nose," "stop spitting on your neighbors," etc. <--true life: these all happened this week. score.) not necessarily because i enjoy reminding them a thousand and three times to put their listening ears on.
but because i love that grin.
because i love when you see something click in their heads. when they finally get that thing you've been teaching them alllll week.
because i love knowing that it matters.
& because i love those kiddos.


good day.
today i'm grateful for amazing kids who make me laugh, & their mommas who notice the little things i do, and thank me [when i most needed to hear it mattered...]


[blessed.]

[surrender]

"Surrender, surrender," You whisper gently...

husker love.

[this is a tad bit overdue. oopsies.]

alright, so it's true.

i'm a huskers fan.

[go big red.]

& not in the cute girlish way where i just like to wear red & jump up and down shrieking.

in the slightly manly, jump up & down screaming at the top of my lungs at my tv screen type of way.

i'm a lucky girl, & one of my besties, gabe, invited me for a fun-filled weekend in lincoln.

the huskers were playing north-western.

which was supposed to be a we-kick-ace type of game; which turned out to be a we-gave-away-the-game-on-a-gold-platter type of game.

it's whatev.

so... here's the weekend in review.

gabe thinks it's ok to grab my leg and pull me entirely under the booth so i have to crawl out. and everyone in the restaurant thinks i was down there for less appropriate reasons. awesome. best fran.

stay classy, unl. stay classy...

gabe thinks i'm pretty when i sleep. that's why he took this picture. [or at least that's what i tell myself.]

go loperssss! k-e-a-r-n-e, k-e-a-r-n-e, k-e-a-r-n-e-y!! <3 

kickoff! [hence all of the shoes off.]

in case you couldn't tell, gabe was not impressed with how they were playing. [and no, we didn't sit down during the game. this was a timeout.]

go lopers?

&, ok, this has nothing to do with the huskers, but... sunday was elder jorgensen's last sunday in nebraska!! VERY excited for him to start this next chapter in his life & so proud of him for serving a mission.

blessed, to say the least

facts:
one of the scariest parts of my week,
is pulling on my pj shirt & realizing it doesn't smell like the owner anymore.
not even a little.
no matter where i smell it.
& realizing it'll be months before it does.
& trying not to panic.
deep breaths.
keep calm, & carry on.


"well he loves you, and that is all i know."
my goodness, that was the most reassuring moment of my day.
a little flicker of light.

in my head, i know what people will think; what they will say.
& i know the reality. i know the truth.
i know what did, & what most definitely did not, happen.
i know how much it was prayed about.
i know.
& so i don't need anyone else to.

it's been a long day.
another long day.
a day of alison over-analyzing & being crazy.
i'll be honest. i'm freakin' losing it.
but i think you would be, too.
i think that, if you were in my shoes, you'd be just as messy.
& even if you weren't, i am.
& i don't care what that says about me.

today i was reminded how proud He is of me;
one of my favorite people told me how little anyone else matters;
how it's about the fact that He is proud of me,
& how i should be proud of myself,
& that is enough.
how i need to stop being hard on myself,
& remember the journey i've made.
remember how far i've come,
rather than concentrate solely on how far i have to go.

i am blessed.

right now, i'm ready for a weekend of fun.
ready to breathe.
ready to be okay again.
ready to remember who i am, remember who He loves. <3
[& remember who he loves.]

[In the strength of the Lord, I can do hard things]

i'm frustrated.
there, i said it.
you aggravate me.
you get under my skin.
you hurt my feelings.


the truth is that i was ready to throw in the towel.
eager, even. anxious.
ready for that new page,the fresh start.
& then He decided that wasn't His plan.


the thing is, we all know i'm not on equal terms.
that i'm always going to be a [word i refuse to type, which you so love to use.]
that you'll always consider july 17th proof enough that i'm inferior.
that you'll always treat me differently.
& that i'll always let you; that i gave up trying to change it.


i think something i use as a life motto is that people are not projects.
i don't need to be under your wing, thank you very much.
i don't need you.


do you want to know the truth?
i left there, in may, without saying a word.
and do you know how many times anyone checked on me?
that'd be a grand total of zero.
& the truth is, that i know i could do that at any point.
that i could never go back, no questions asked.
& that idea is tempting;
some days i half-beg for it.
& that terrifies me.


mostly, i've realized what i guess i knew all along:
it's just me & Him.
it's always been me & Him.
because what it really comes down to is
the fact that some people can't get past a date or a label.
the fact that this is my battle, & no one else is going to fight it.


it's me & Him.
& the thing is, i know that when i have Him on my side, i can do hard things.
i can be that tough little cookie i used to be so good at being.
i can be His, and that is all i need.


but to be honest, sometimes you make me forget that this is about
me & Him.
& nothing/no one else.

[fears]

we had to make a list of our fears in one of my classes.
i don't consider myself an especially fearful person.
but, after compiling a list, i've decided that i'm scared of some of the oddest things...
enjoy ;)

• finding a baby in a public toilet [i have no idea where this stems from, but i always check for a baby before i pee.]
• heights
• touching raw meat
• worms
• puking
• grasshoppers
• parking lots. i have this self-centered idea that every male wants to kidnap & rape me. [i watch way too dang much csi...]
• spideys
• shaking boys' hands [i know how often those things get washed, and i also know they touch their junk to pee. ew.]
• drowning / water in general
• being pregnant [i watch way too much "i didn't know i was pregnant" & it's hard for me to remember that is totally physically impossible for me, due to my lack of doing boys...]
• a ghosty being in the shower with me. i NEVER close my eyes to rinse my hair out. i don't want her to get me.
• getting in a car wreck
• becoming a cat lady [ok, it's a fear / possible life choice. i haven't decided yet...]

cause without you, things go hazy.

I have an entire weekend of Lincoln pictures to share.
But tonight I need to ramble.
I need to sort out my head.
____________________________________________________


I've been asked big questions, the past few weeks. I've been told big statements.
Things that made me stop & catch my breath.


"How is that bringing you closer to Him? How is that preparing for the temple?"
If the temple is my goal, if returning to Him is what I live for, then why would I do anything that didn't point in that direction?! Why worry about the rest? Why do anything that doesn't directly reflect those goals?


"Maybe you're asking the wrong question."
Maybe I am. Maybe it wasn't about where, or how, or when, or why.  Maybe it was about who.  Maybe it is about me, following the Spirit.


"Do you trust me?"
Absolutely. One hundred percent.
Does that scare me?
It should, shouldn't it? Everything I've experienced tells me, "Yes, be terrified. Hold back."
But I don't. & I don't even want to.
I'm all in.


"Happiness isn't a suggestion--it's a commandment."
My goodness, I needed that reminder.
___________________________________________________


It's weeks like this, when I make up my mind what I want,
& He disagrees.
When I decide & say, "Hey, this is what I'm going to do."
& He informs me that isn't His plan at all.
& I remember I am His. I am here, to do His work, and follow His commandments, and learn and grow, and find happiness.


In my heart, I know the one sure route to happiness is Him.
But in my selfishness, I hesitate to pray for those answers, for fear I won't like the answer I receive.
___________________________________________________


Things I've Learned Today:
--It's time to stop asking for that ten minutes. Time to grow up. Time to not need those boys. [& if I discover that I do, I will fake, fake, fake that I don't.]
--Sometimes intentions are a whole heck of a lot better than the words that come out of a person's mouth.  Ignore that word. Ignore the wing comment. No hurt feelings are allowed, by stupid comments.
--I should expect more of myself; demand more of myself. A year & four months. & yet, I'm pretty dang stagnant. Time to figure my crap out? [Yeah. A long time ago, actually...]
--Be grateful; Find the little positive things. Find the happy points.
--I already knew this, but I was really reminded how badly I want to eventually marry a man who honors his Priesthood. I can't imagine wanting less.
___________________________________________________


Time to catch some shut eye; I promise tomorrow will come with a way-less-serious blog update of my weekend. [GBR!!]
XO.

strengths & flaws

i am totally stealing this idea [wow, i'm tired, i just typed "eye" and couldn't figure out how to spell "idea." crap.] from another blog. & modifying it a bit to fit my taste. :)


things i'm good at/things i do & do well:

• I am really good at laughing. Seriously. Like, if you need someone to have really good belly laughs with, call me. 
• I am really good at going to class. I hate skipping. In college, I consider this a talent.
• I'm good at feeling. Maybe too good, in fact. My heart goes a little [lot] overboard sometimes. If someone is sad, it's really hard for me not to feel sad, too. [But at the same time, I'm very good at being super ecstatic when someone else is having a good day.]
• I'm good at doing things just because I think they will make someone else happy.  I'm good at sending cards & remembering half birthdays & texting someone to tell them I was thinking about them. & not because I feel obligated; just because I think it's nice to be nice. 
• Cuddling. Snuggling. Hugging.
• I'm good at cheering people on in every day life. If I care about you, I'll be like your own personal little fan club. [Awkward? Maybe. I just don't care.]
• I'm really good at saying thank you, and reminding people I appreciate them. I think it's important.
• I'm an excellent lawn mower.
• I'm really, really good with kids. Like, freaky good. I don't think some people picture that just because I'm so blunt with adults. I just... am different, with kids? It's where I feel the most at ease; kids are my passion & purpose. Without a doubt.
• I'm good at learning languages. Memorizing vocabulary, patterns, grammar, and putting them to use.
•  I'm a freakin' awesome rapper. Seriously. Join me, in my car sometime. You'll see.
• I'm also really good at booty dancing--think as obnoxiously ghetto as it gets. [I'm not so sure my bishop would approve of this talent though. So we'll just say that's my hidden talent?]
• I'm really good at memorizing movies the first or second time I watch them. I can quote so many movies. Totally useful, right? ;)
• I'm a good daughter. I love my parents, and I [at least try to] do things that make them proud of me.
• I'm good at considering other people's feelings. I'm good at talking to someone who looks uncomfortable or shy. I'm good at introducing myself to someone I don't know. I'm good at trying to be aware of and in tune with the people around me's feelings.

things i'm not good at/things i just simply don't do:

• I never clean up my toothpaste on the edge of the sink when it's still fresh.
• I have minimal hand-eye coordination.
• I'm terrible at doing my laundry. Not that I don't know how, just that I procrastinate. I currently have two baskets full and a giant heap of sheets and towels. & I have no intention of doing laundry until I'm out of something.
• I don't shake hands. I find the concept disgusting. [I know boys just touched their junk, didn't wash their hands, and then shook mine. Ew.]
• When I cook meals, they don't necessarily "go together."  I just cook whatever sounds good. It doesn't matter if they're random foods, when placed together.
• &, ok, I'm not a great cook. I tend to ruin at least one thing, each time I cook. But I try!
• I don't read my scriptures every day. Oops.
• & I say the majority of my prayers when I'm in the shower. [Is that against some sort of secret rules? Double Oops.]
• I'm not good at not letting people get under my skin. My feelings get hurt. It's a fact.
• I'm a terrible driver. You know how boys make fun of girls for being bad drivers? Those awful descriptions are pretty accurate to my [lack of] driving skills.
• I'm terrible at kissing up to people. & when I try to, it's in a very obviously sarcastic way. I don't have that whole being-a-fake-bword thing down pat. Nor do I care to.
• I'm THE WORST at being quiet. I tend to say things I probably shouldn't. I talk at a volume that is considered by the general population to be an "Outdoor Voice."  I misplaced my "Inside Voice" approximately 21 years ago, & have yet to find it.
• I'm also really bad at keeping track of things. Phone, keys, etc.--ALWAYS missing...
• I am not always the best at being polite. Sometimes I just say what I think, & hope people don't take it too personally.
• I'm terrible at controlling my giggles. I tend to laugh at inappropriate times.

So I guess the point is, I'm not perfect.

But guess what? I like me. Not everything about me, no. I think I have some things I could work on or change. But I like me.

Today I'm grateful for a Heavenly Father who is aware of me.  I'm grateful for the ability to say, "It's ok, it wasn't personal. Don't take it personally. It doesn't matter."

I'm grateful for the Scriptures. I'm grateful I was able to read them tonight & feel refreshed.

I'm grateful for too-big shirts to sleep in, that smell like a boy. I love boy smell.

I'm grateful for answers.

I'm grateful for that prayer; for that man who said it with that authority. I'm grateful for his patience when I rambled. I'm grateful for being able to sort my thoughts, & not even worry for a second that he was judging me. I'm grateful for their willingness to serve.

I'm grateful for Fruit by the Foot & Dr. Pepper. I'm grateful for heating blankets & snuggly pillows.

I'm grateful for my life; for my safety; for my health.

I know I'm blessed. Sometimes I just forget to say so.

Sometimes I just get so caught up in wondering "Why this?" or "Why me?" that I forget how blessed I truly am. I'm grateful for gentle reminders.

& I'm grateful that I'm going to go lay my head down on my comfy pillow & sleep soundly & tomorrow will be better. I'm grateful for that hope.