Lessons learned.

I'm learning that it's ok if you don't do laundry for three weeks, and when you finally do it, you have like a kajillion loads and your fiance's socks are on the crusty side. (Ew. That part's not as ok...)
& that it's alright if when you finally do your laundry, you don't fold your undies. Because, really, who's gonna know if they're wrinkly, and remember how you have a kajillion other things to fold/hang?
I'm learning that it's ok if you catch pneumonia and call in sick to work at both jobs, and skip class, and lay on the couch all day watching white trash television.
I'm learning that it's ok if you make a good lunch and then your fiance is super late getting there to eat said lunch and you try to keep it warm, and you try to be real patient, but eventually you remember you have no attention span and eat without him. And then he gets home. And then you decide to have seconds, just so you can eat with him. It's ok, even though you have to fit into a wedding dress in three months.
& I'm learning that it's ok if your whole blog post is run on sentences that probably make little or no sense.
& that it's ok to admit that you're a freakin' perfectionist, sometimes. That it's ok if you like some things done a specific way, even though it doesn't reeeeally matter...
I'm learning that it's ok if I'm not as awesome as my almost-MIL. It's ok if I don't make desserts every meal. Because, dangit, when I make rice crispies, they seem extra awesome.
I'm learning that it's ok if you kind of want to punch your neighbor children in the face every time you hear them running around like freakin' banshees and you come extra-close to doing so when they scream, "Hot girl!" every time they see you. (But it's only ok if you don't actually punch them...)
I'm learning it's ok to say, "I'm stressed." It's ok to not be Wonder Woman. & if sometimes, you put your hair in a messy bun and have a not-even-mascara, no-makeup type of day.
I'm learning that Pinterest weddings are a lot more fun than real weddings, and that I'm an awful wedding planner. I'm also learning that it's ok to say, "Whatever you think!" and "Yeah, that sounds great!" and be grateful for talented people who are willing to think up awesome ideas for me.
I'm learning that I'm blessed, and I'm learning to take things one day at a time and just. be. grateful.

Reasons I'm Crazy in Love Today

I'm one hundred percent in love with Skyler William Jorgensen.  & I think when "you know," you just freaking know.

Things he's done today to make me smile (mostly because I want to remember, because I'm sure you'll find them rather nauseating...):

--Rubbed my back during church
--Did half the dishes :)
--Watched Harry Potter (Ok, he slept through some of it, but he's a cute little snore-er, so it still made me happy.)
--Patted my belly and with a dead-serious face and tone said, "I want a wittle babyyy...." (Don't worry, I told him heck no, not yet, not for a long while. But it still made me super happy.)
--Don't worry, this one's totally the best: We were snuggling while he studied (aka, I was chilling doing nothing, he was studying) and I got to coughing again (I have tuberculosis. Basically.), and here is his direct quote:
"It's so hot when you cough in my ear like that."

Hahahahahaha. Brat....

Blessed. So incredibly blessed.

Insight

The other day, I was groaning. Literally, grumbling and groaning, with the realization that I was behind on my laundry, and my homework, and the whole seeing-my-fiance thing, and my housework. I find myself thinking harsh thoughts--thinking how inadequate I am, thinking how I need to get it together. I need to be perfect, in every way: I need a home cooked meal on the table every night, because Sky deserves that, after all of his hard work each day.  I need to be excelling in my classes, because to be quite honest, I've never done anything but over-achieve.  I need to have a spotless apartment, because that's how my mother's house is.  I need to have my laundry done, all of the time, crisply folded and hanging color-coded, because that is what adults do.  Adults get their crap together and somehow fit everything in to each day.
& then a thought came into my head.  A thought, which I took as an answer:

"I might not have it all together, but that doesn't mean I'm falling apart."

It's ok if sometimes I don't have everything right on track; the reality is that I don't know any other 21 year old who is balancing everything that I am. I am doing ok. I can do this. I am blessed.

Life is good, and I'm happy.

Just in case you'd somehow forgotten...

I love you so much. Yesterday, today, and for every tomorrow.

Fall 12 Semester

Can I just start by saying how incredible my life is?! I'm so, so blessed. Skyler (finally!!) moved here, we're making progress on wedding planning (ok, that was a mild lie.) and I get to finally just be with him! Hooray!
Seriously, I got a little crazy the last two weeks of being apart. I was working 45+ hours a week, and trying to get all sorts of ending/apartment stuffs done and it just was.not.happening. The man shows up, I continue working and add school onto my list of things to do, and somehow everything falls together. Faith, people. It's faith.
For example, when we were long distance I got a little crazy about the fact that I hadn't kissed my fiancé in two months, and just yesterday, Skyler said, "You don't kiss me enough." (& his comment was valid. It was like 4 pm and I hadn't kissed him once all day. Whoops!)  Our "problems" have changed, but everything is just so perfect.
& I know what you're thinking.... Honeymoon stage... But, to clarify that is inaccurate....
Example 1: Last night my hip hurt so so bad (Spin class. Hip flexors, it sucks.) so I put on my polar bear fuzzy pjs at 4. And whined the entirety of the afternoon. I couldnt even get myself in the car. Skyler called me an invalid.  Not very honeymoon-like. ;) Example 2: Last night, I was cleaning my bathroom and noticed, like, 2 hairs in my shower drain. Trying to be a big girl, I pulled on them. Bad idea. Off came my drain plug-thing (very technical term, I know.) and there was what I have now begun referring to as a ferret-sized hair clob. Auggggggh!!! Totally Sky's job. And he did it! (meanwhile, I sat on the kitchen floor literally gagging and dry heaving while he screamed at me that I'd better not puke.)
Obviously, my life is still awkward, but the other half of my "us" is absolutely fantastic and such a trooper through all of my crazy ideas and moments. 

I other news, I just began my semester and have no free time, yet just took on an Honors Program personal study where I'll be working in the schools with math students. It should be pretty bomb. I just lined it all up with my professor this morning and I am way, way excited!! I've missed my kiddos.
My classes are all ok, and being in math has once again reminded me of how big of a loser I am. In math, he was reading us all of these tricky story problems and I was whipping out the answers. For those of you who don't know, I love math (& school in general) and am a total nerd about it. As in, last night I looked up math problems online and did them. For fun. This semester should be great. 
I'm incredibly happy, incredibly blessed, and so so excited about this new chapter in my life! Sorry that this blog post was long and rambling with (once again) no pictures.
....I can't think of a way to end this, so I'll just go with a first grade ending and say....


The end.

dos dias.

two days from right now, i'm gonna be smoochin'. hahaahaha. okay, actually, if i'm as tired on thursday after my shift as i was today, i'll probably be snoozin'. either way, i will have my skyler here with me!!!
so, so blessed to be so, so in love with the best man in the whole-wide-world.

‎"What really matters is that he will love you, that he will respect you, that he will honor you, that he will be absolutely true to you, that he will give you the freedom of expression and let you fly in the development of your own talents. He is not going to be perfect, but if he is kind and thoughtful, if he knows how to work and earn a living, if he is honest and full of faith, the chances are you will not go wrong, that you will be immensely happy." --President Hinckley

Laugh.

This & That

So, in case you couldn't tell by my past twelve thousand blog entries/my semi-obnoxious, ohmygoshI'mgettingmarried Facebook statuses, I'M FREAKING GETTING MARRIED! Really. Alison, the queen of never-going-to-two-high-school-dances-with-the-same-boy-because-I-got-bored-too-fast*. It's not that I dated a lot, really. In fact, usually after one or two dates, I would think, "This guy's way too boring for me. Where's the surprise?! Where's the belly-laughs?" & was totally over it. & yet, I found my other half. My perfect, wonderful other half. & the best part? I get forever & ever with him!

[*We'll come back to that (^) subject later.]
That's right, folks. I found someone who never fails to surprise me, with his personality. Sky is hilarious, and totally gets me. (For instance, when I "write" a song, to the tune of "Coins In My Hands", he acts like this is totally normal behavior. & lets me sing it to him. A lot. NBD; & since I know you're now dieing to hear that song, enjoy!)

Please excuse my ADHD, where was I? Ahem...

So. He makes me belly laugh at least a bajillion times a day, and is totally up to playing "Pteradactyl" for 30 minutes via Skype and doesn't even think twice about it. He is absolutely perfect for me and can always tell exactly what I'm thinking. He is responsible and has goals and dreams and supports mine as well. Oh, and did I mention that he's freakin' gorgeous? Evidence:

Yep. He's pretty ridiculously hot. I know. (Someday, ten years from now, when we have kids, they'd better take after Daddy & skip my albino genes.)

However, I would like to point out how completely unfair it is, for me to come into this relationship. ;) 

His mom makes dessert (seriously) every day. Every day. Did you all read that?! Every. Freaking. Day. (Seriously, I was there for a week and a half and had more dessert than I had the past year, easily. Oh, and they have "Sunday dinner." I'm not sure if this is a Morm thing, but it = Alison cooking a "real" meal on Sunday, when I rather like going home and putting on jammies and eating popcorn for dinner. Don't judge.) He has lived with her for 20 of his 22 years. AKA--Skyler loves dessert. & I'll be honest, some days, just getting supper cooked is a bit of a stretch, let alone DESSERT! What the heck! (So if anyone has any fast, easy, delish dessert ideas, shoot 'em this way. Now's when the panic sets in!) When I brainstormed "desserts" I came up with (I know, I'm awesome..) cookies. Not even like, mix flour & sugar & chocolate chips type of cookies, but like store-bought, Nestle Toll House, already evenly sized cookies that you just plop on a pan. Something tells me he's going to be missin' home, real fast. :D

Pretty sure she's been plotting that, the past 22 years... :P (Totally kidding.)

Coming back to the * subject from earlier, I just had to tell this story, because it's freaking hilarious. High school dances.

So, recently, a friend of mine posted an old picture from a high school dance, that I went to with a guy from work. First, I want to be clear... he asked me about going with me. I didn't, like, beg him to go, or something.

When we got there, he ditched me to "hang out" with his friends. AKA, sit on the stairs, not dancing. WHAT?! Let's just get this straight, I am a FUN girl. I LOVE DANCES. & I can sure-as-heck shake my booty. Boys don't ditch me. ESPECIALLY not to dance with another girl, like, once, and then sit on the steps. They just don't.

So, naturally, we were all talking about how lame that experience was. & then another girl commented on the picture to inform me that...

He's becoming a Catholic priest.

It's all so much clearer now... Not really into the whole dancing-with-girls thing. I can stop taking it personally. :) Although, I've got to admit, I'm hoping this subject doesn't come up on Judgement Day. ;)

That's really all I have to say, for now. Please excuse my ADHD-blog-style, but the whole organization thing just never seems to happen.

I'll end the post with some engagements. (& can I just say that I freakin' love our photographer?! She's an old friend of Skyler's and she's super easy to work with, and I'm in love with the pictures she took!)

Too young to be old, too old to be young.

Twenty-one is an awkward age, for me. Okay, let's be honest: the past twenty-one years have been "awkward ages."  Maybe this year is just extra-awkward. I'm caught in this weird place, where I feel incredibly old, at moments, & way too young, at other moments.
At twenty-one, I got my last first kiss. I fell in love. I got engaged.
I will never, ever call my friends again to tell them about a great first date, which makes me feel just a little sad; on the other hand, I will also never call my friends crying that it "just didn't work out" again. I will never have to call my friends & tell them, "Eh, nevermind, total loser, I'm over it." I'm moving from first dates and first kisses to new firsts--first time through the temple, first home-cooked meal for my husband, first home together, first baby...
Ok, so some of those are a ways off, but I'm both incredibly excited and incredibly nervous. His mom rocks. Can I just say that? My soon-to-be mother-in-law is freaking amazing at everything, and that is what he is used to in a woman... He gets dessert EVERY night. That's the kind of pressure I'm dealing with, here, people! So basically, I think in some ways he'll want to strangle me through some of our firsts, haha. But I think we'll both have some learning to do. :)
Storytime: At his grandparents' house this summer, someone (maybe his grandma? his aunt? I can't remember.) told me that the dessert we were eating was Skyler's favorite, so I would have to get the recipe and make it.
Being instinctively Alison, I forgot to say the right things and instead said, "Oh, that's wonderful! He'll have to get the recipe and learn to make it for himself!"
Hahahahhaa. Wowza. Seriously, am I theee best fiance or what?! I bet they were so impressed. (Not.) Part of me was absolutely kidding--I love to cook/bake and I'm always down to try a new recipe. The other part of me was 100% serious, though. Skyler & I have discussed this, and for as long as we're both in school and both working, meals, cleaning, etc. is going to have to be a very equal partnership. :) So, heck yeah, I want him to make me dessert once in a while, or at least do the dishes afterwards!
In my dream world, in a few years I'll be able to have his babies and stay home with them. I'll get to raise our family and he'll come home every day to a homecooked meal (and dessert!) and kisses. I am so, so excited for that.
Yet, it makes me feel incredibly old. It hasn't even been two years since I left China; two years since I swore I was just going to travel for a couple of years after graduating.
I'm certain some people would tell me I'm "giving up my dreams" or "growing up too fast", but to me, I traded dreams. I traded that dream for a much bigger one I have--to be with my best friend for time & all eternity... & seriously, how sweet of a dream is that, to have come true?
I'm blessed beyond measure. I'm terrified for all of our new beginnings, but so excited to try each of them, and if I fall flat on my face in the process, try again. :) I love my Skyler and I love my life and I even think I might love finding that recipe & making him his favorite dessert. Maybe. ;)

Was It Worth It?

http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/04/was-it-worth-it

I love this talk; we went through it in Relief Society (it's like all-girls Sunday School, basically) today, & oh, I love it. & it's hard for me not to get emotional when this topic comes up.


"As Dave spoke of his conversion and bore his testimony regarding these events, he asked the question, “So, was it worth it? Was all the effort of friends and youth leaders and my bishop, over all the years, worth the effort to have just one boy be baptized?” Pointing to Katherine and his five children, he said, “Well, at least for my wife and our five children, the answer is yes.”
Whenever the gospel is shared, it is never “just one boy.” Whenever conversion happens or someone returns to the Lord, it is a family that is saved. " 


I joined this church two years ago, last week. For two years, I have been complete. I'm happy. Do I say that enough? I am so, so happy.
I'm especially grateful, the past few months, for the man who changed my life. He didn't have to serve a mission; no one does. He chose to give two years of his life with his family, so I could have eternity with mine. That is the most unselfish and beautiful choice in the world, and I'm so, so grateful he made it. There is no one else who could have entered my life, changed it in the way he did, and helped me work out the kinks over and over until I felt comfortable and confident and happy. He was so patient when I was impossible, and loving when I was unlovable. He never failed to show me God's love for me.  I am certain that Heavenly Father chose him, personally, to be my missionary, and I could not have more love or respect for him.
I wonder, at times, if he ever felt like I was a lost cause--if he ever wondered why he was putting so much effort into someone as selfish and ungrateful and confused as I was.  I wonder if he questioned if it was worth it, at times.
& I can tell you that, at least to myself and my soon-to-be eternal companion, it was worth it. Because he taught me those lessons, over and over, and answered questions, over and over, I joined this church and gained a true knowledge of the Restored Gospel. Because he served a mission, I will soon be sealed to my best friend for time and all eternity. He changed not only my life, but my eternity.

This Church is true, this Gospel is real, and He lives and loves each of us. I am so happy that I had the wonderful support I did, to join this church, and feel so thankful that I will be sealed to my love in the temple, soon. Life is good, and I am blessed.

two.

It's been two whole years since I was baptized. Two years since my life changed drastically. Two years since I started over.
& while I won't go into details, or ramble on & on like we all know I tend to do, I wanted to share a couple of things from church on Sunday. They hit me hard, and have continued to serve as reminders throughout my week.

One speaker said that a Christ-like life is not easy, something I think we all know. But he went on to say something to the effect of...
"Christ was persecuted and hated; the life He chose was not convenient or simple for Him, nor will it be for us."
Well, if that's not a piece of humble pie, I don't know what is. :)

The other phrase he said that has helped re-align my perspective was,
"Christ suffered alone so we will not have to."

I am never alone. He has felt all of these frustrations and this anxiousness and every, single thing that I can ever experience. He knows me, He knows my heart, and He loves me so much that He was willing to experience the world's sorrows and heartaches and earthly pains, so that He can always stand by our side with empathy, understanding, and the strength to push us forward when we feel we cannot move. I am never alone.
I love this church. I love the peace it brings to my life, and the understanding that I am never alone. I love how much clearer my life seems, now.  I love that this Gospel has shaped me into the woman I am today. I am so, so blessed to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I am also incredibly blessed to have fallen in love with my best friend, and to have the opportunity to marry him in the temple for time and all eternity, in December.
I have no idea where I would be today, if it were not for the determination of a young man to push me to my limits and see how I could (and did) grow.  I have no idea where I would be, had he not thought outside the box, and followed the Spirit at all times. I'm so grateful for the faith and endurance he showed, when goodness knows I was anything but easy to get along with.
He lives, and He loves each of us. & I want you to know that: It is never too late. You are loved. This is real.

Mrs. Skyler Jorgensen {almost.}

So... he did it! He popped the question! 

Alison Renae Jorgensen.

(Sounds good, yeah?!)

It couldn't have been any more perfect.  I won't write the entire story, or everything he said to me, but I will write my favorite part:

S: "I want to be with you forever."

A: "And ever?"

S: "Forever, and ever, and a day."

I am so blessed. I am with the man of my dreams, and he thinks I'm pretty special, too. I get to be with him for time and all eternity, & I feel so incredibly blessed.
I am so excited to marry my best friend.  I have never been so sure of a decision, in my life.

"What is love? Many people think of it as mere physical attraction and they casually speak of 'falling in love' and 'love at first sight.'  This may be Hollywood's version and the interpretation of those who write love songs and love fiction.  True love is not wrapped in such flimsy material. One might become immediately attracted to another individual, but love is far more than physical attraction. It is deep, inclusive, and comprehensive.  Physical attraction is faith and confidence and understanding and partnership.  There must be common ideals and standards.  There must be a great devotion and companionship. Love is cleanliness and progress and sacrifice and selflessness. This kind of love never tires nor wanes, but lives through sickness and sorrow, poverty and privation, accomplishment and disappointment, time and eternity."
--Spencer W. Kimball

Time & all eternity, with Skyler William?
Oh, absolutely. Abso-freaking-lutely. I can't think of anything I want more. :)

Preview :)

"Sure it is tough—before you join the Church, while you are trying to join, and after you have joined." That is the way it has always been, Paul said, but don't "draw back," he warned. Don't panic and retreat. Don't lose your confidence. Don't forget how you once felt. Don't distrust the experience you had. That tenacity is what saved Moses when the adversary confronted him, and it is what will save you."


http://speeches.byu.edu/reader/reader.php?id=8501

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q_5lG5Hx69I&feature=player_embedded

Man, oh man, do I ever love this talk. I'll blog more on it later. But I didn't want to lose these links so consider this your preview.

peace

That awkward moment when you're informed how much you've sucked for the past year.
That blessed moment when you know they aren't right, and you just feel at peace.

Us Against Them

I'm worn out, with that mentality.  With this "us against them" thinking. Mostly because I'm not sure who everyone is classifying as "us" and who is "them."  If I'm defining it the way I feel most people think of it, maybe I'm both.  Maybe I'm an us, for the past two years, and a them at my core.  Maybe I am a "halfsie" like it's been said.  Maybe I'm only part "us."

Maybe that's true. Maybe I'm mistaken.
But I think the reality is that every person on this Earth today is an "us."  That "they"--the third--lost; that we're left with Satan's influence, but that each of us, at one point or another, chose Heavenly Father.  No matter how much we screw up here on Earth, we chose Him.  We chose this experience.  We chose this life--this plan.
It just takes some of us a little longer to remember we're part of the "us."  It takes some of us a little longer to remember how much we, at one point, loved the plan.
Maybe the truth is that it took me those nineteen years to remember that I love the Lord, and that I am here to grow and to glorify His name.
But I don't feel that makes me weak.  I don't see that as a flaw. I don't see being a so-called "convert" as an awful thing at all.
I learned. I grew. It makes me fight harder. It brought wonderful people into my life. It taught me self-discipline, and how to be independent. & every single day, it blesses me more and more.  Through every challenge, I learn how to better love His people.
I was an "us" all along.  I just forgot to live that way, for my first few years.
& remembering has made me stronger.

I believe in Christ.  I believe that Jesus Christ came to Earth to have this mortal experience, knowing exactly what He needed to do to save me from myself.  I believe that He chose to suffer excruciatingly so that our sins can be washed clean and so when we face trials, the Atonement can make our burdens light.  I know that He loves me, personally.  I know that Heavenly Father wants each of us to return to Him.
& I believe that it is our duty to help our brothers and sisters return to Him, as well.  If we are not working on them, as well as ourselves, we are not doing enough.

My name is Alison, and I'm a convert.
& I don't understand that statement, because I chose Him long before I came to this Earth.  I don't understand how July 17th makes me a "convert" in your eyes.

But I think you've got it all wrong.
& I'm trying my hardest to love you anyway.

boo.

I miss the boy.
There, I said it.
I miss him and I'm so tired of long distance. It's been a rough few months.
Please make August hurry up? Why not just skip summer??
[Ok, I'm done whining now]
<3 

Testimony Love.

This church is real. This Gospel is true.

& I am incredibly blessed. We are all so, so incredibly blessed.

Something I've been thinking about a lot lately is how we all chose to be here. How we're all in this together.

Let's just be together, & just love. All of us. Not a few. Not some. All.


I found this testimony tonight. I can't tell you what this means to me. I can't explain how important this is to me. How much it means. It makes me wonder how many people would give up on him--on the average Joe--on me.  It makes me remember how blessed I was to get Todd that day, and how blessed I am to be living this Gospel. It makes me remember my second chance. Almost two years ago, I made the best decision of my life.
So blessed. So happy. So grateful.
So ready for what's next.


"Every saint has a past, & every sinner has a future."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gDgpG3Wj81c&context=C4998c96ADvjVQa1PpcFNLI7kecasyyrb7emFpS0_KReKUjqru6Zw=

"Girls, aim high. But do not aim so high that you totally miss the target. What really matters is that he will love you, that he will respect you, that he will honor you, that he will be absolutely true to you, that he will give you the freedom of expression and let you fly in the development of your own talents. He is not going to be perfect, but if he is kind and thoughtful, if he knows how to work and earn a living, if he is honest and full of faith, the chances are you will not go wrong, that you will be immensely happy."

--President Gordon B. Hinckley

Got it, President Hinckley. Legit, I've got it--got him. This is where I tell you all how amazing of a man I have... how I'm the luckiest girl in the world, and how blessed I know I am.

In 6 1/2 weeks, I get to go see him for 1 1/2 weeks. & I absolutely can not wait.

In August, he's moving here! Yes, to the middle-of-nowhere. To a fly-over state. To be a Husker fan, once and for all. To be with me.

& I could not be happier. I could not be more blessed. I am so happy that he is such a good person--that he is so good for me.

I'm just so happy.

I'll stop being mushy now. But life is changing, and I love it. I love him.

Blessed.

don't judge me because i sin differently than you.

"This topic of judging others could actually be taught in a two-word sermon. When it comes to hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges, or wanting to cause harm, please apply the following:

Stop it!

It’s that simple. We simply have to stop judging others and replace judgmental thoughts and feelings with a heart full of love for God and His children. God is our Father. We are His children. We are all brothers and sisters. I don’t know exactly how to articulate this point of not judging others with sufficient eloquence, passion, and persuasion to make it stick. I can quote scripture, I can try to expound doctrine, and I will even quote a bumper sticker I recently saw. It was attached to the back of a car whose driver appeared to be a little rough around the edges, but the words on the sticker taught an insightful lesson. It read, “Don’t judge me because I sin differently than you.”

We must recognize that we are all imperfect—that we are beggars before God. Haven’t we all, at one time or another, meekly approached the mercy seat and pleaded for grace? Haven’t we wished with all the energy of our souls for mercy—to be forgiven for the mistakes we have made and the sins we have committed?" --President Uchtdorf

I will work on being kind; on loving others like I want to be loved--on loving others like He loves me. <3 

[more than I can handle]

All of my life, I've been told "God won't give you more than you can handle."
& I'm gonna let you all in on a little something: that's a dang lie. It couldn't be farther from the truth.


I've been given a whole lot of things that were way too much for me to handle, this past year... More than I care to count.
I have been thinking about that a lot, the past few days. & I've come to the conclusion that I will be given more than I can take.  If I wasn't, how would I ever learn to rely on Him? If I only had what I could take, and never any more, when would I learn to need Him? To love Him? To trust Him?
The truth is, I have way more than I can take on my own. But He has never, and will never, give me more than I can handle when I lean on Him. He doesn't give me more than the Atonement can get me through.


Some of my most trying experiences have taught me to be His daughter, and to trust Him.  Being in over my head on my own has taught me to grasp the atonement--to take the hand that He always has stretched towards me, and to hang on tight.
I'm never given more than Someone before me has already felt.  I'm never asked to do something that He can't push or pull (or, as has often been the case with me, drag) me through, if I rely on Him and do my best.


I'm blessed beyond measure, not because I am never given tough situations, but because I am.  I'm blessed to have this earthly experience of growth.  I'm blessed to be given the opportunity to be better today than I was yesterday.  I'm blessed to be learning to be closer to Him.
Yes, I'm given more than I can take, on my own.  But the beautiful thing is, I don't need to do it on my own. & for that, I'm so grateful.


"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.  In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths." --Proverbs 3:5-6

[cake]

I heard the best FHE lesson last night.
We read this:
"Sometimes we wonder,
'What did I do to deserve this?' or
'Why did God have to do this to me?'
Here is a wonderful explanation!:


A daughter is telling her mother how everything is going wrong: she's failing algebra, her boyfriend broke up with her and her best friend is moving away.  Meanwhile, her mother is baking a cake and asks her daughter if she would like a snack, and the daughter says, 'Absolutely, Mom.  I love your cake.'
'Here, have some cooking oil,' her mother offers.
'Yuck,' says her daughter.
'How about a couple raw eggs?'
'Gross, Mom!'
'Would you like some flour, then? Or maybe baking soda?'
'Mom, those are all yucky!'
To which the mom replies: 'Yes, all of those things seem bad all by themselves.  But when they are put together in the right way, they make a wonderfully delicious cake!'
God works the same way.  Many times we wonder why He would let us go through such bad and difficult times.  But God know that when He puts these things all in His order, they always work for good! We just have to trust Him and, eventually, they will all make something wonderful."


One of the Elders went on to talk about all of those ingredients being the batter.  The batter is only changed into a cake by putting it in the oven and turning it on.  The oven represents putting yourself in holy places: reading your scriptures, attending church, surrounding yourself with positive & uplifting people, etc.  Turning on the heat represents turning on the spirit.  Having one, but not the other, does no good.
The part that he said that really hit me was pulling the cake in and out of the oven doesn't do any good.  Cooking the cake for five minutes, and then taking it for five before putting it back in the oven is not going to have good results.
I'll be honest, I tend to jump in and out of the oven.  I tend to try really hard, feel frustrated, and let my habits slide.  I tend to remove myself from the oven to cool off, when I need that heat to better myself.  The heat is scary, I can tell you that much.
I'm just working on me.  I'm trying so hard to work on me and to prepare myself to eventually be a wife and mother, and sometimes it is just so overwhelming to try to learn and grow and be better than I feel.  As much as I want to be the best me, some days I just choose to jump out of the oven.
This month, I'm going to work on staying in the oven, even when it gets tough. I'm going to work on letting the heat refine me. I'm going to work on loving me and loving Him.

Currant Bush

"I was living up in Canada. I had purchased a farm. It was run-down. I went out one morning and saw a currant bush. It had grown up over six feet high. It was going all to wood. There were no blossoms and no currants. I was raised on a fruit farm in Salt Lake before we went to Canada, and I knew what ought to happen to that currant bush. So I got some pruning shears and went after it, and I cut it down, and pruned it, and clipped it back until there was nothing left but a little clump of stumps. It was just coming daylight, and I thought I saw on top of each of these little stumps what appeared to be a tear, and I thought the currant bush was crying. I was kind of simpleminded (and I haven’t entirely gotten over it), and I looked at it, and smiled, and said, “What are you crying about?” You know, I thought I heard that currant bush talk. And I thought I heard it say this: “How could you do this to me? I was making such wonderful growth. I was almost as big as the shade tree and the fruit tree that are inside the fence, and now you have cut me down. Every plant in the garden will look down on me, because I didn’t make what I should have made. How could you do this to me? I thought you were the gardener here.” That’s what I thought I heard the currant bush say, and I thought it so much that I answered. I said, “Look, little currant bush, I am the gardener here, and I know what I want you to be. I didn’t intend you to be a fruit tree or a shade tree. I want you to be a currant bush, and some day, little currant bush, when you are laden with fruit, you are going to say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for loving me enough to cut me down, for caring enough about me to hurt me. Thank you, Mr. Gardener.’”

I had read this before.  But I'm not sure I had loved this before. I'm not sure I'd ever really loved it like I do now.  This was read in a talk, on Sunday.  I needed it badly.
Sometimes, I am exhausted with being a currant bush.  Sometimes I want to be a Sequoia.  It's probably vain of me to even admit that. But it's honestly been one of the hardest things in the world, for me to face that maybe I'm a currant bush, & that that is His plan & it is perfect.  The only thing harder has been trying to convince others that He loves his currant bushes just as much as his giant trees.
Come what may. [& love it.]

<3

I am so, so blessed. I never seem to say that enough.

strong enough

this week i've replayed something someone told me a couple of years ago over & over in my head.
he told me that He gave me challenges because i could handle them; He gave me this path because i was strong enough; He knew i would find Him, no matter how hard.
& i would be lying if i said i didn't want those reminders from my big brother once in a while.
but i also know that relying on myself has only made me stronger; i am strong enough, with Him.

I believe...

--in Dr. Pepper being a food group. & yes, I do believe it's a proper breakfast. 23 fruits, I tell you! 23!
--that happy girls are pretty girls.
--in picking my battles. I ask myself, "Is it worth the fight?" on a regular basis. I used to see that as a weakness, like I was willing to just give in... But I've gradually changed my mind--I think it just means I'm tough enough to let others win sometimes.
--that I am blessed beyond measure.
--in journaling. I started a journal, where I just write my raw feelings. It's not always pretty. It's not always nice. It's not always the things I'll want to remember about me as a 21-year-old. But it's life, & I know someday I will love seeing my growth.
--in love, & trust, & long distance. I believe in us.
--that no one ever gets you like your momma does.
--in the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
--in loving others... even when they're mean-spirited, or jealous, or say unkind things, or mock. In fact, I believe that often, the people who in the moment I feel are least deserving of my love need it the most.
--in balance. Too much of anything can make you crazy.
--in being with someone who makes you laugh; one of my [many & most favorite] blessings is how hard Sky can make me laugh. I'm a lucky lady.
--that families are forever & in temple marriages.
--in myself, in my capabilities, & in my passions.
--in diversity & second chances. I believe that people spend too much time criticizing others for "not knowing our language" & to "go back to where they came from." I bet someone said that to your ancestors, once, too. Lucky for you, they persevered.
--that we are stronger than we know.
--in staying up late talking to the boyf, even though I know I'll be dead dog tired the next day. Talking to him is well worth a few extra yawns.
--in Summer; sidewalk chalk, "the wall," Sonic's Route 44 strawberry limeades, tan lines, & Spitz.
--[BUT! I also believe in...] Spring weddings; not too hot and not too cold. Just sayin'.

answers.

Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen thine heart; wait, I say, on the Lord. [Psalm 27:14] ♥

but the struggles make me stronger, & the changes make me wise.

i love this book:

http://www.amazon.com/If-Id-Known-Then-Letters/dp/0738211206

seriously, if you're of the female gender and don't own it--just order it.

my big sister gave it to me at what i now know was the darkest part of my life. and at the time, i read it and gained some perspective; but ohh, the perspective it has given me as i've re-read it the past few years. it's one of my favorite presents. [ps--if you wanna borrow my copy...let me know. i'm a good share-er.]

if i'd known then.

sixteen year old me,

oh, sweetie--take a deep breath. what are you doing?! you've hit your low, and you've sat there for far too long. but here's the truth: it will get better. you will find you. and you will love the heck out of yourself.

don't waste too many tears on silly boys & fake girls. high school will end, and you will forget all about it, except to read through old journals and laugh--and i promise you, you'll really truly laugh.

you'll graduate, and you'll make your momma and daddy so so proud. remember that feeling. remember that, no matter what, you can go home. you can always go home. maybe not always see eye-to-eye on everything, but you have home. and when it's hard, run there. go eat mom's cooking and complain through stupid shows on the History channel, and cherish every minute you get with your family. because family is forever. you'll learn.

you're not going to get what you think you want: you won't go far away for school. and you'll spend a few years, at that school, wondering why you picked it. dreaming of transferring. but it'll make sense, eventually. & oh, you'll be so grateful, then.

don't worry too much. remember to belly laugh. &, for pete's sake, stop wearing so much freakin' eyeliner. you look ridiculous. 

remember your roots, but remember that it's ok to branch out from them--that's what life is for.

keep debating. keep arguing and thinking and wondering. because it will take you great places. don't be afraid of what you believe and what you feel. your heart will take you where you need to be.

there's going to be a lot of hurts. but there will be even more healing, i promise. keep that chin up, and love a little harder. you're gonna be ok.

love,

me

july 17, 2010

alison renae,

YOU DID IT! and oh, i am so proud of you! soak it all in, cherish it, and remember how you feel right now. you will need that, later. the next year is gonna be tough. you are going to doubt yourself along the way; but never, ever doubt Him.

you will learn a lot about what you do and don't like, in the next year; remember that, when you deal with those around you. remember how much you hate to be separated, because of today's date. remember what it is to be a member, and remember that you are so loved.

never, ever apologize for being a convert. you will grow to hate that word; you will hate being set at a different level. but remember that this was His plan. & that is so beautiful. remember that He wanted today to be your day, and anyone who thinks you did it 11 years late is wrong. you did it right on time--you did it on His time. today is your day, and more importantly His day. and really, i promise, nothing else matters.

remember that their choices are in no way a reflection of your testimony. you will hear that you're a pioneer, and that you'll be a light, over and over. never think that other people's poor choices means your light isn't bright enough. just shine as hard as you can--love as hard as you can.

there are going to be days you're asked to do impossibly hard things, days when you have no idea what He wants. do them. you will grow.

more than anything, know that it is going to be ok. that in the end, everything is going to work out. know that you are so, so loved, even when you feel it least.

this is going to be tough. and i wish someone had told me that, on july 17th. don't be afraid to admit when you're nervous or worried or scared. don't be afraid to ask for advice. when you do, you'll get some of the best advice ever. you will have the best big brothers in the world.  you will meet amazing women who inspire you. believe them, when they tell you you're doing ok. you are. let Him bless you with them. they truly are your blessings.

write your grateful lists. read talk after talk, and scripture after scripture. & talk to Him. really, really talk. even when it's over silly little things. the more you do that, the more you'll find you.

above all else, don't stress. life is good; you are loved.

<3 

favorites.

these are a few of my favorite things [this week]:

--having scripture time with the boyf every night; it's oddly romantic. how very Mormon of me to admit...

--that my boyfriend makes me cutesy lists of what he loves about me. & that he notices teensy things, like how i tear all of my nail polish off and immediately repaint them. his lists are sweet & i'm so so blessed to have someone so thoughtful.

--family. i'm so grateful that my family is only an hour and a half away; i'm grateful for texts from my momma throughout the week; i'm grateful for parents who always want me to do what is best for me.

--scentsy pots. mmmm. my room smells so so good!

--having fingernails. it's so exciting!! i have bit them for as long as i can remember so i'm really proud i am being a big girl and not biting them. :)

--my classes--they're lots of fun so far!

blessings.

counting my blessings.
today i'm feeling blessed that i have the sweetest guy. i'm feeling blessed because i have never smiled more, never laughed harder. never been more "me" with anyone else.
i'm feeling blessed that he loves the Gospel as much as i do. blessed that we have scripture time and prayers. grateful that i am with a genuinely good man.
blessed that i am able to go to school; grateful that i like my classes and that i have had a teeny bit more time to breathe this semester--enough time to skype every night this week!
blessed that i know both sides. blessed that i know what life is like without the Gospel. and even more blessed that i never have to know that again.
<3

today, i'll bite my tongue.

i'm grateful that my parents raised me not to be a hateful person. i feel bad for people who are mean. what a sad existence, where you feel the need to be mean to strangers, in order to feel better about yourself.
however. since i'm seeing things as wishes, not weeds, i have chosen to view this as "she needed to tear someone else down in order to bring herself up. so if being rude to me gave her whatever it is she needed it today, then so be it."
wishes. wishes. wishes...

"The best Christmas break ever"

Someone told me, yesterday, that I was having the best Christmas break ever. I laughed it off. But the words haven't stopped going through my mind; I haven't stopped thinking just how blessed I am.
I had the opportunity to go to Utah; to see my best friend & Todd & [finally] meet the boys at the rc & [excuse my mushiness] my handsome boyfriend.
The opportunity to go to the temple; and to fall so, so in love with it. To hear names and feel at peace and know that this is real.
The opportunity to have a few days with him; just long enough for each of us to forget that long distance is hard.
The opportunity to reassure myself that I am okay. That things aren't perfect, but that the Gospel is; and as long as I hold firm to that, everything is okay.
The opportunity to set goals.
The opportunity to get my patriarchal blessing.

I won't lie and say the break was perfect; there were moments when I knew the only word running through people's minds was "convert." That is the hardest thing in the world for me. But for the first time, I just really felt at peace even when I could feel they were thinking it. I know that He doesn't care about my past. I know that what matters is where I am, today, and what my goals are for the future. I know that He knows my heart and my goals and what I am doing to work towards those goals.

There are a couple of things I have journaled about a lot that I need to get down here; things that I don't want to forget.
One was on the radio, when we were driving back home. A woman told a story that her daughter and her saw a field of dandelions, and just as she was thinking what a hassle all of those weeds were, her daughter said, "Look at all of those wishes."
Wishes, not weeds.
I've been working very hard on looking at wishes, not weeds this week.
Long distance? A wish, not a weed. The opportunity to grow stronger, the opportunity to test our relationship, the opportunity to work for this. The opportunity to remind myself daily every trait of his I admire, and every reason he makes me smile. The opportunity to look not at why it's difficult, but instead see why it's worth it.
Going back to school? A wish, not a weed. The opportunity to better myself, and to grow. The opportunity to learn how to change lives. The opportunity to learn how to better serve those kiddos. The opportunity to fulfill my passion. The opportunity to grow as a woman. An opportunity that not everyone has, and that I often take for granted.
I'm so determined to remind myself daily that it's all about perspective--that I need to see wishes, not weeds.

The second thing that I read is something I had read before. It's from an Ensign a couple of years ago. The sister missionaries gave me the Ensign, with their favorite articles marked. This was one of their favorites, and it has become one that I love so much.
I re-read it this break and really took away something new. I generally focus on the article's main idea--hope. Sometimes I branch out to hope, faith, and charity.
But this time, I read a paragraph over and over. It says:
"For me, things I don’t understand about the gospel are like pieces of a larger puzzle I’m working on. If I don’t see where they fit, I put them aside and work on other parts of the picture. From time to time I pick them up and look at them. If I still don’t see how they fit, I put them aside again. I have already received a witness that the whole picture—the restored gospel—is true and complete, so I don’t worry about the pieces that haven’t come together for me yet. They will."
I don't need to understand everything. I need to remember my testimony; remember why I chose this church and why I continue to choose it every day.
This has truly been the best Christmas break. I have been tested and have grown and have been incredibly, incredibly blessed.
&, oh, I am happy.