ramblings.

"You can't live your life for other people. You've got to do what's right for you, even if it hurts some people you love."

I didn't picture my semester ending like this.
Actually, if you'd asked me a week ago, I'd have told you things were perfect. I'd have had a cheery smile and a positive attitude and I'd have worked my butt off to believe it.
I came to the realization today that I miss me. That I miss my belly laughs and smartace comments and sassiness. That I miss my lame sense of humor and my loud personality. I realized I am exhausted with second-guessing every move I make. With constantly worrying about the future and about other people's feelings.
I saw an old picture this week:

& I freakin' miss me. I found myself missing that crinkled-up nose type of laugh. I miss that-type-of-happy.

Some [perfectly perfect] advice later, I know what I need for me. & I'm not saying that makes the decision any easier than it was an hour ago, but it makes me feel like at least my thoughts are validated. Like at least I'm not a terrible person. Like I can care about him and support him, without giving up me or basing every decision around him.

Deep breaths, until the next week and a half is over.

Then I'll get some food and sleep in me, and remember what it's like to breathe.

Summer, please hurry your butt up. I need you.

confession.

sometimes i have the biggest urge to tell you you're kindof [completely] a flaming douche bag.
whoops. my bad.

i've got the whines.

i know that less than twenty-four hours ago, i rambled about how i was going to learn to accept His plan. how i was going to stop whining and just take things as is. "come what may and love it."
but then i remembered i'm still selfish, whiny alison. and that there is a giant difference between wanting to do something, and doing it.
and today has not been my day. it just hasn't been. tomorrow. [and yes, i realize that i can't always say "i'll do it tomorrow..." but maybe, just this one last time, i'll say "not today..."]
whine sesh over. time for a good, long nap.

[somewhere between my faith & my plans.]

i've had casting crowns on shuffle all evening. just a few thoughts. i've included a video of the song that really, really hit me today. much love. xo.


i'll praise You in this storm / & i will lift my hands / for You are who You are / no matter where i am / & every tear i've cried / You hold in Your hand / You never left my side / & though my heart is torn / i will praise You in this storm ♥


but if we are the body / why aren't His arms reaching? / why aren't His hands healing? / why aren't His words teaching? / & if we are the body / why aren't His feet going? / why is His love not showing them there is a way? / [there is a way.]
 
Somewhere between the hot and the cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle

Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves

Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You're by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle

I could go on for hours about this song. I really could.
I love that He takes me where I am. But I also love that He expects me to and wants me to do my best to be constantly growing. How often do I trade my plans and goals for His will? How often do I stop whining and just accept things as-is? How often do I give all of myself, rather than holding myself back? How often do I really get out of my comfort zone?
I actually really like the line that says, "the God we want and the God who is."  So often I find myself so caught up in wanting Him to just erase it all--to make every single thing in my life easy. But then, what's the point? I am here to grow. To learn. To love. I truly believe that. If absolutely everything was perfect, where would I have to stretch, where would I have to dig deeper, where would I grow? I find myself begging Him to be what I think I want, when in actuality He already is exactly who I want and need--who we all need. He is perfection.
I'm the one who has some changing to do.
It's been almost a year. I can't believe that. Almost a whole year, already. In some ways, I find myself still as me--still a little rough around the edges.  In other ways, I no longer really remember who I was a year ago. I can't explain that. But I wish I could.
I love the line, "Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me."  I look forward to becoming who He's making me.
In all honesty, I'm "somewhere between my faith and my plans." I still have this vision of my future based on how I've always pictured it. It's hard to completely re-route your life.
But, oh my, will it be worth it!
I needed this song to remind me of my long-term goals. & I know what I have to do to get there.
Life is good. 
Ok, I'm shushing... I know I'm rambling. [You get used to it, I promise. Eventually, you may even stop noticing that I babble like a lunatic.]

Father, hear my prayer
I need the perfect words
Words that he will hear
And know they're straight from You
I don't know what to say
I only know it hurts
To see my only friend slowly fade away


So maybe this time I'll speak the words of life
With Your fire in my eyes
But that old familiar fear is tearing at my words
What am I so afraid of?

'Cause here I go again
Talkin 'bout the rain
And mulling over things that won't live past today
And as I dance around the truth
Time is not his friend
This might be my last chance to tell him
That You love Him
But here I go again, here I go again

Lord, You love him so, You gave Your only Son
If he will just believe; he will never die
But how then will he know what he has never heard
Lord he has never seen mirrored in my life

This might be my last chance to tell him
That You love him
This might be my last chance to tell him
That You love him
You love him, You love him

What Am I so afraid
What am I so afraid
What am I so afraid of?
How then will he know

What he has never heard 

one big giant "screw you"

if i were allowed to say "screw you" to professors and not have it adversely affect my grade, today i would. i realy, really would.
that paper that i worked my cute butt off for, and currently have ridiculously black baggy eyes for? yeah. that's the one. i sent it to my professor. he emailed me back, literally, within 5 minutes. and said [and i quote],
"Hi Alison,
I received it, glanced over it and marked down that you passed the assignment."
oh, thanks. i'm SO glad that you took the time to "glance it over."
awesome. i'm glad that wasn't too much of a burden. i was really worried that i was asking too much of you.
and, heavens no! i didn't want you to, i don't know, actually READ the paper you assigned that i researched and wrote [and it was DANG good, too!!] i mean, really, why would you READ it?! i spent all that time writing a kickace paper for you to "glance it over". that's really all that's necessary.
thanks for all of your hard work. you're an awesome professor.
[and thank goodness i'm officially DONE with your class.]

now if you'll excuse me, i'm going to go write another paper, for a professor who grades every freakin' word on every freakin' page. i'm not cranky at all.
i love college.

genderlects/morals/random

woah, prepare yourself for some rambling. my classes were surprisingly insightful today. i regained a teensy bit of faith in my university.
so as to spare you from having JUST text i'll try to include a few pictures. first off, we should start off with a super cute pic of my stella. :) my sister recently moved home. she feels bad [stella has cancer and her back/belly are getting REALLY bald--it's super ugly & sad.] so she painted her nails to make her look a little more presentable. i'd say it worked. she looks like a hottie! {it's a cell phone pic, so expect crappy quality}

i'd also like to share something that seriously upset me. first i'll just show you the picture, then you try to decide what i hate about it. [i was trying to find a new dress for church--this was what i found. i thought it'd be super cute w/ a cardigan. except there's this one little detail...]

does anything bother you? i'm still aggravated about this!! so... it fits good, goes ALL the way to my knee, i like the color, it shows my curves [which i believe in showing off--modest does not equal looking frumpy!! just sayin'.], AND the neckline is miles above cleavage so i wouldn't ruin any nice boys' nice thoughts--pretty much a win, right?
except then there's those two SUPER awkward darts right on my boobs. that are like... pointy? what?? why?! and the darts aren't even straight. awesome. it pretty much screams "look right here!!" super classy. JUST what i want to wear to church. needless to say i didn't buy the dress. and i'm pretty ticked at whatever designer decided those darts were necessary... ridic.

okay, now that i'm finished talking about how ticked i am over that [still], i wanted to write down some stuff we discussed in linguistics today. it was actually really interesting and it really applied to mouthy me.
we were discussing dialects. one type of dialects are called "genderlects." right away this caught my attention. [it would have caught it earlier if i'd actually read the chapter, but that's besides the point...] it's basically the difference between the way the majority or males speak vs. the majority of females.
so. what we learned is that females tend to be more submissive with their language. they tend to say things like "maybe" and "i feel" and "perhaps." they tend to say "tush" or "tummy". and we learned that men, as my professor said, tend to say "this is how it is and if you don't like it, [screw] you!" [i have to edit a lot of his language hahaha.] they tend to say "a--" or "gut."
he then said, "so if you're an outspoken female you'll be perceived as a [w]itch. basically, you're either a man or a [lesbian]. you can't be a girl AND be set in your ways."
hahaha, i love that man! so true. i know what you're all thinking right now: "here goes alison on one of her little feminist rants." and i just want to point out that you saying that because i have thoughts makes me a feminist kinda proves my point. do i fit the classic vision of a girl? heck no. i'm mouthy. i'm honest. i'm blunt. and i love it. you will never have to doubt what i think. :)
the fact that i have strong opinions doesn't mean i'm a mean person--if a male had the exact same strong opinions and presented them in the exact same way as me, i can guarantee you that he would just be thought of as a guy. but i'm a [w]itch? ugh.
so basically, no... i'm not a feminist. i'm a boy.
i'm glad we got that all cleared up. ;)
[wooooh! i could go on for hours. but i'll shush before i get all worked up. really. i'm not a feminist. i'm just confident in myself. :) but, what was i thinking?! boys can be cocky as frick, but if a girl is confident? woah. dream big.]

anywho. then we talked about the way society constructs thoughts. the way we decide what is "okay" and what is just not normal. he gave the example of his piercings... that twenty years ago, he had to be careful of which ear he pierced [because one means you're straight and one means you're homosexual].
he cracked me up with this quote:
"back then, if you were a guy and you have piercings, you were either gay, a pirate, or a biker... or maybe a gay pirate biker. now people are like, 'dude, noone gives a rats[butt] about your stupid piercings.'"
hahahahahahahahaha. i about died laughing. gay pirate biker. hahaha. anyway...
in some ways it's funny to see how much our society has changed. i love seeing women running for office. i love seeing a black president. i love diversity. i love people just being themselves. i really do.
in other ways, though, seeing how much our society has changed is scary. morals have gone out the window. i really think that's undeniable. find a decent tv show, a decent movie, a decent song. look at the statistics of children born outside of marriage. the amount of young girls raising babies on their own. the amount of young people winding up in jail and prison. and i'm not saying that piercings=prison at all. i'm just saying it's odd that twenty or thirty years ago, a piercing was the end of the world, and now we're all sitting around watching "sixteen and pregnant," without a second thought as to how much those girls' lives just changed.
and i don't mean this to sound judgemental. i have friends of all walks of life, and i don't judge a single one. i think we each have to choose what we want most and go after that. but it's just odd to realize how much morals have changed even just since my momma was my age.
somewhere along the way, in trying to be more open-minded and politically correct, we gave up a lot of our morals. and i think that's sad.

that being said... i'd like to raise my children in a little bubble, please. :)

rambling over.
xo.
al

trust.

"Follow your heart, but be quiet for a while first. Ask questions, then feel the answer. Learn to trust your heart."

tidbits.

--if you hear me say i'm slutty, i'm actually saying sweaty. when i say the two words, they sound exactly alike.
[i was just reminded, once again, of the three summers i spent workin' at cody. & how every single employee there thought i was saying i had 'slutty hands' instead of 'sweaty hands'. one of my classier moments, for sure. i really don't think i have an accent or a weird voice until people point out moments like this.]

uglyday:)

Reason #95278 I love my University:
Every Friday, you're allowed to go to class lookin' like crap. Half the people skipped, and the other half are hung over. If you look ugly, noone will judge you.

the hurr.

I. Miss. My. Hair.

(& yeah, I agree that my face is super-cute in this picture)

randoms.

i've been spending a lot of time with this whole self-discovery thing. aren't you supposed to do this when you're, like, fourteen? [i guess i was too busy, probably with flirting. my bad. & thank goodness i got over that stage...] anyway. i've been thinking a lot about what makes me "me".  what's different? what's defining? what are my strengths, my flaws? so. this is the list i wrote down last night before bed. keep in mind i had very little sleep, so some of it gets pretty random.

--i tend to be brutally honest. i say what i think, but i truly don't mean to be rude.
--i hate being asked questions or put on the spot. if you do that, you can expect silence.
--i love my family, more than anything. & i feel bad for people who don't.
--i believe in love stories, because my grandma and grandpa have the best love story ever. if love stories didn't exist, then my momma wouldn't. {& thus, neither would i.}
--i tend to think more on the liberal side of things. maybe i'm even a little bit of a socialist. if i can pay more in taxes and that means a family has a fighting chance, then i'm more than willing. & it's not that i believe in handouts, it's not that i think people should be given something for nothing. i just believe in second chances and paying it forward. i believe that in a wealthy nation, people shouldn't be starving to death and dieing because they can't pay to go to the doctor.
--if you want to tick me off, you'll say someone should "learn our language" if they're gonna live here. there's no official language of the United States. [but since you're such a proud and perfect American, you knew that, right? eyeroll.] i believe in diversity.
--& for the record, i'm all for immigration. we've got tons of room still, and the more people that come here, the more jobs that will be created. [& unless if you're native american, i'd have to assume you aren't anti-immigration, right? because otherwise, how'd your family get here...? just sayin'.]
--i've been called a feminist. i disagree. it's not that i think i deserve special treatment because i'm a girl. i just don't think the fact that you have balls means you deserve special treatment, either.
--i am crazy-in-love with this one boy.
--i have a really loud laugh. and the more i laugh the funnier i think it is that i'm still laughing.
--something i can't stand is being talked down to.
--i love to read.
--i hate being called stupid. mostly because i'm not. if it were true, i'd be less offended.
--i'm really afraid of the dark.
--i'm feisty. my dad always laughs at the things i shoot back, and the rate i can spit 'em out. it's usually in a playful way, though, i swear.
--i have a two-second attention span.
--i am the least artistic person you will ever meet. that doesn't stop me from tryin' though. in my head, i think i'm super creative and i have all these awesome ideas. the ideas just generally [as in, always] end up awful. ;)
--i'm still trying to decide how i lived past the age of 16. dumb teenager=me.
--i love babies. i love baby smell. i love playing with them. i love rocking them to sleep. i love everything about them. but if someone's watching me hold a baby i get super nervous.
--it's really hard to get me to trust you. i can actually probably count on two hands how many people i trust.
--i replay a day from earlier this winter in my mind pretty much on a daily basis. and i laugh each time:
     man at church--"so do you have any friends here who are lds?"
     me--"no."
     man at church--"oh... but you have friends, right?"
     me--"uhh... yep i do." *awkward laughing*
[if you were wondering, he's old and i think he really did mean it kindly. every time i see him i want to hug him. it was nice of him to make sure i had friends. i actually feel like if i'd said no, he'd have been my best friend. he is that kind. i'm kindof regretting that i didn't say no, in fact. he tells the funniest/best/most drawn out stories ever. he's a good guy.]
--i truly feel like 90% of the male gender is not marriage material. shoot, they're not even dating material...
--i'm really, really blessed.
--& i tend to be completely ungrateful. i'm working on that.
--i want to be a momma. i want to adopt. & not in that i-want-to-adopt-a-kid-from-a-third-world-country-so-people-will-see-i'm-a-good-person way.
--i look just like my daddy, except i'm prettymuch albino. i always joke that my sisters got the good genes. ;)
--i hate my voice. absolutely hate it.

like i said, i was pretty tired.... so some of it gets a tadbit random. whoops.
xo.