general conference & pickles

i'll be honest: i have had the crappiest of crappy attitudes lately. so... time to change that. switcheroo. blah-dee-blah.
tonight i'm thankful for:

• the jar of pickles sitting on my desk [or should i say half-a-jar, since i've been downing those suckers?!]
• spooning. bahahaha. i have a big stuffed panda that i spoon all night everynight, and i'm pretty sure no man can compare to him, ever. he's the best snuggle partner. and he doesn't mind my morning breath, either. definitely marriage material, right there.
• bathroom lights. which i don't have right now... so i'm realizing how thankful i was when there was a functioning lightbulb. peeing in the dark is really a scary experience for me. maybe that's too much information. whoops.
• love spell. in the lotion form. my skin can't be pale and dry... and we all know this girl doesn't get a tan.
• general conference!! it's this week. and that makes this girl a happy camper. it's gonna be awesome. i love, love, love general conference. & i know you're thinking "uhh, you've only been a member for one general conference, alison..." however! i am the queen of stalking old ones on the internet. so... it's pretty much my thousandth. & since i am a kind person, i'll even give you thiiiis link so that you can learn what general conference is & how to watch it! feel free to thank me, it'll make your life better. [http://lds.org/general-conference/about-general-conference?lang=eng]
• squishy kleenex. the lotion type. they keep my face from gettin' all raw when my eyes are watering/nose is running/i'm a hot mess and crying, all of which have been regular occurences this week. whoops.
• target. it's pretty much the only thing kearney has goin' for it. [besides me. oops, arrogant comment.]
• peach fresca. happiness in the form of zero calories.
• my yummy new tea. [herbal.] it seriously improves my life drastically
• getting my physical science test back with a big ol' A on the top. yeah. i'm braggin' a little, but if you knew how hard i worked my butt off for that grade, you'd let me have my braggin'. i went to the library. uhh, social suicide?! yesh. but it paid off!! :)
• freshly painted toenails. they're dark pink, if you were a curious cat.
• ew, the fact that i haven't seen d's feet in over 9 months. boy feet are disgusting. i can honestly say that i don't miss that part of him. he can leave his boy feet and boy toes and boy toenails in california, please.
• i'm officially being admitted into the college of ed. wooohooooo! your little girl's all growed up :) [and thus my life just got severely less stressful...]
• mushroom & zucchini pizza. it's soooo good. probably too good...
• photos. if i hadn't just spent the past two+ years trying to do this whole "be a teacher and have a career" thing, i'd totally drop everything and travel the world and be a photographer.
• the fact that my professor told us the answer to one of the questions in lab today. AND that i knew what was going on. [literally, the first time this entire semester. woah, dreambig.]
• window blinds. and the fact that i've finally gotten the hang of closing them. i had several [accidental] strip tease incidents earlier this semester. whoopsiedaisy.
• my nicely [mom-]folded laundry. it always looks better when my momma does it.
• decent weather. not too hot, not too cold.
• not having class until 11:15. = staying up late watching teen mom 2 & america's next top model [ya wanna be on top, top, top...]
• when the union has chicken noodle soup. [it seems i'm really thankful for food... that's all i talk about.]
• my family. there's no way anyone else woulda put up with me for this long :)
• love. and i'm not sayin' like romantic love, just like... loving someone, caring about someone. & always remembering to tell them.
• a really good adviser--i got a new one [sigh, again] but she is really really awesome and helped me figure everything all out. & let me tell you, when i arrived in her office i was a-mess. & she just fixed my schedule right up so that i had one less thing to worry about. lucky, lucky me!! :)

no more bad attitude, no more cryin' and whining. life is good. i'm going to sleep in a warm room with a snuggly bed with my [overly] full belly in a safe building.
how is it that i forget how lucky that means i really am?!

xo.
a

my life is awesome.

so last night i decided to turn my phone on loud, after missing important texts. unfortunately for me, i didn't remember that i had turned it on loud this morning when i went in to take the test. of course, i didn't, i mean... why would i?! i never have my phone on loud. and there's a reason for that: the fact that i forget to turn it on silent.
don't worry. smack dab in the middle of it, my bestie sent me the nicest good luck text ever. but this text meant that my phone went off. REALLY loud. [my phone is a beast. it's seriously super loud.] dead silent classroom + lady gaga's "telephone" = one embarassed girl. hahaha. my professor, who i seriously thought might kill me, ended up not caring. and said he wasn't sure if it was more embarassing that my phone went off or that it was lady gaga. however, i'd like to point out he knew it was her... so he obviously has listened to the song... so he obviously secretly likes her.
anyway, the other highlight of my morning was before the test. we've pretty much all been bombing his quizzes. like i said, the class is freakin' hard! more than half of us failed the last two. hahaha. so he was talking to us about how we can better prepare for them, etc. we were pretty much sitting around a campfire singing songs--seriously, it was some bonding time. which, if you knew the professor, was totally unexpected. he's kinda... rough. i like the guy, truly i do! but he sure as heck doesn't take any bull, and my goodness the man can curse up a storm. but for a few minutes there, you'd have sworn he was a kindergarten teacher. there was some major love in the air.
and then he said "i know some of you probably are shocked by the level of difficulty of this class. right now you're probably thinking, 'what the [explicit]?! i didn't sign up for this! i signed up to read stories...'" to which the entire class laughed at. but really, i was thinking that. seriously. whenever people ask me what my major is i say "teaching english and coloring pictures." isn't that what i'm doing? english, arts & crafts, & maybe teaching some math/science/history/etc. on the side? ;) [totally kidding, i swear!]
oh, and also this morning my dad [who last night didn't complete shoot down my idea of becoming a prostitute rather than finishing school] told me i was doing "fine" in school. uhhh, dad, this is me you're talking to. i don't do fine. i don't do good. i do exceptional. that's just how life has always been.
life as i know it is over. i'm officially average. and i hate it.
college is kickin' my butt. repeatedly.
but so far, despite embarassment, i have had a surprisingly good day. the test turned out to be pretty easy, with the exception of a few questions. i think we're looking at about a B- or [more than likely] a C.
one thing down, a few to go. and then uuuuuuutahhhhhh! :)
*thinking positively*
love!!

i have a little less than an hour until my anticipated linguistics test. so clearly, i should be cramming every little piece of information inside of my brain that i can. and yet... i'm trying to clear my head of all my other thoughts so that [hopefully... this is my logic anyway] when i actually take the test, i'll be able to remember everything and ace it! :)
okay, okay. wishful thinking. but really, i've studied my tail off! [although i studied my tail off for that science test too. frick.]
anyway, i don't mean to make it sound like i hate my classes. really, i don't. i just... have no love for them. the only class i love is chinese. so... basically i should switch my major to chinese, and then i wouldn't even have to take the [stupid, scary] praxis tonight.
i am not a test person. i'm just not. it's like asking me to speak, when everyone is silent and staring at me. it just doesn't work out well. someone recently told me i'm way too anxious and i seriously think they're right. it is not normal to get this nervous over the smallest things. i need to get that under control, hahaha.
anyway, like i was saying before i got distracted by twelve other things. i don't hate my classes necessarily. although i truly have a hatred for that stupid science course. four days a week?! eugh. and i swear he speaks a different language, because i never have any idea what in the heck he is talking about. so then i think "i'll read the chapter and then i'll understand." ehh, nope. the book also speaks the professor's language. did i miss a language prereq, or what?!

linguistics=interesting. but hard as heck. and fast-paced.
science=worse than hell.
chinese=love. and i lovelovelove my teacher. she's the sweetest lady ever.
esl methods=[i actually have no idea the name of this course. that's probably a bad sign.] pointless. every week, i show up with the homework assignment he gave us the previous week. do you want to know how many he's picked up? zero. all we do is watch videos. and sometimes he'll tell us about how his daughter is meeting boys online. boys who are twice her age. classy. so what is my grade based on? your guess is as good as mine.
dance class=at eight in the morning. i am not in the mood to be around happy, bubbly personalities telling me to "get down" at eight in the morning. i don't wanna shake it, lady. i just don't. it was the longest half-semester class ever. it goes in the same category as my science class.

so today, i have that test, then come back and do my chinese homework, then go to chinese class, then come back and do some quick laundry, pack, and load up my car, then a meeting to make people wanna go to china [haha], and lastly the dreaded [dun dun dunnnnn...] praxis. and then SPRING BREAK! hallelujah.
everyone keeps saying the praxis is easier than the act. which i rocked.
but, let's be logical, here... i took the act when i was in pre-calc. i haven't been in math for two years, now. basically three, actually, since i wasn't exactly studious my senior year. [my math class was my time to eat cookie dough/do other homework.] i took the act when i had mrs. altig, who is seriously the queen of grammar. i haven't taken english since last summer, if you can even count that crappy online course as taking an english class. i don't feel like i've taken english since my senior year, if you count classes i actually learned from.
so... i'm scared. i don't feel equipped to pass a test. and i am not the type of person that merely passes. i want to get a high score, even though it really doesn't matter.
basically, what my life comes down to is this: i'm a freakin' perfectionist. i am not satisfied with getting b's. i am not okay with missing any points, actually. i want to get 100% on everything. sometimes i'll catch myself frowning at a freakin' 92% and then i'll be like, "uhh, wait. that's an a-. normal people would be happy with that." pretty much, i'm a nutcase. this head needs to be checked out.
and with all of that being said and ranted about and rambled about, i'm now going to go take this test, and my goodness, i'd better do freakin' good. bahahaha.
only a few more things [all bunched together in a tiny time frame] until spring breeeeeak. [and for the record, i've never needed a break more. holy cow.]

blech

i'm a quitter. i missed a couple days of p365... and am over it. :) typical alison--nothing can hold my interest more than a few minutes. this lasted, what, a month?! :) so i guess it was more like p30, or something.
i'm about to start the busiest freakin' week of my life. tests out the wazoo. yay midterms... wish me luck! <3

as if we never said goodbye...

a friend posted a link to this on the book of face today. and i bawled my eyes out. [nothing new there, right?] it was my senior year, towards the very beginning of the year [i don't think we'd even started any choreography to our show.]

anyway, i LOVE these people. seriously. we had SUCH a good time. these were my swing choir/band/musical besties. inbetween super quick costume changes, & fixing hair & makeup, & being snuggle buddies on the busrides, & backrubs, & being there for eachother. they are amazing. ohmygosh, and my personal favorite, playing ten fingers on EVERY bus ride [which i always lost. i'm still kinda bitter about that...]

for the rec, i'm front row, third from right. right next to me is one of my besties, who's currently serving a mission. of course, after i watched this video a thousand and two times, i HAD to write him a letter, and the longer i wrote and rambled about my life and asked a kajillion questions, i am super happy to say it really is "as if we never said goodbye." life is so good.

& to make things better... tomorrow is FRIDAY!!! and this weekend we're a road-trippin' it. woot!! okay, i swear, no more posts today now. :) xo.

messygirl

thursday, march 10, 2011:

when my momma said i can't go to omaha unless if my room is picked up, this is what she meant by picked up... right?! :) i'm a messy, messy girl. with no desire to change my ways. whoopsies.

{6}

today, i believe in...
--saying please & thank you. my mom & dad instilled that in me from day one & i'm so grateful for it. one of my biggest pet peeves is when people don't thank a waitress for a refill, or don't say "yes, please" to answer a question. don't be rude. rude people deserve to have their foot spit in. [and if you were wondering, yes, your waitress probably DOES spit in it if you have no manners. yummm.]
--leaving your shoes on in class. a girl in one of my classes insists on taking hers off alllll the time. i understand that may be more comfortable for her, and i'm all for comfort... but noone else wants to look at your feet...
--dr. pepper. it's my cure-all. :)
--opening the blinds & cracking the window. a little fresh air is sooo nice.
--not being a gossip queen. it's my latest pet peeve. i haaaaate when people chitchat about anyone and everyone. maybe you should concentrate on you. just sayin'. i'll handle me, you handle you. deal? deal.
--dancing. this morning, i had a dance-off in my room... with myself. bahahaha. dance=happiness. end of story.
xo!

mamasita came to play

wednesday, 3/9/11:

my momma & daddy came down and we grabbed dindin together. this picture was my attempts to stall [sp?] & make them stay longer so i could skip night class. [it didn't work, if you were wondering.]

& if you were wondering, based on my lack of skin pigmentation and my mom's non-lack [that's not a word. i know.], no i'm not adopted. just albino. :) [but dead serious, my mom's super pale [for her] right now. and still looks brooown next to this girl. *sigh, jealousy!!] i'm pretty much a leaf without chlorophyll. xo.

tender.kind.refined.faith.goodness.virtue.purity

"The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender. There are enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind. There are enough women who are rude; we need women who are refined. We have enough women of fame and fortune; we need more women of faith. We have enough greed; we need more goodness. We have enough vanity; we need more virtue. We have enough popularity; we need more purity.

Oh, how we pray that every young woman will grow up to be all the wonderful things she is meant to be. We pray that her mother and father will show her the right way. May daughters of God honor the priesthood and sustain worthy priesthood holders. May they understand their own great capacity for strength in the timeless virtues that some would scoff at in a modern, liberated world for women."

--Margaret D. Nadauld

I just read this talk & it is amazing [note: it's so good that I mean that "amazing" as "uh-may-ziiiiing"]. I'm sitting in my room, totally overwhelmed. But not in that Alison-can't-breathe-and-is-a-hot-mess type of way. More of the Alison-is-completely-content-to-the-point-where-her-chest-might-burst type of way. [Bear with me, here. I swear I'm going to try to make sense.]

"The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender."

Oh, my goodness, if you only knew how badly I needed to hear that. I've been sooo back and forth lately. You have no idea. My life's a rollercoaster, and I am apparantly suuuuper sensitive to motion sickness. [Terrible analogy, I know.] I've pretty much been the can't-breathe-and-is-a-hot-mess version of me that I was telling you about. For no particular reason, really.

I think a main thing I struggle with admitting is that in the past couple of years I went from being strong and tough to a total softy. & I've fought every second of this lovey version of myself. Really. I have. 

But I think I needed to hear that loving and caring and being tender is not only "okay" or "fine," but wonderful. That there are enough tough women, and that maybe what the world needs more than anything from me is love. I can handle that. I love love! Maybe it's not so important that I be this rock and be tough 24/7.  Maybe I just need to be real. Maybe I just need to show His love and joy in my life to those around me every single day.

Answers come. The more I questioned myself and what I wanted and who I was, the more confused I got. But I want those things: to be tender, kind, refined, virtuous, pure, and to have faith. And tonight I was reminded of how important those things are to me, how much my soul truly aches to "grow up to be all the wonderful things I am meant to be."

I love the gospel.

How often do I take the time to say that? Not enough, I can tell you that much. But I do, with all of my heart, and then some.

I worry that people don't know what I believe because so much of me is still this sarcastic, sass-a-frass girl, with a thousand opinions a minute and a giant attitude. I'm rarely shy with my thoughts [& if I am you should be extra worried, because they will all come out at once, soon and very soon ;)]. I tend to say things exactly how I see them. I feel like, at times, Little Miss Sassy [aka me] gets in the way of people seeing how much I truly do love this gospel and want to live it every single day.

I truly, deeply love the truth and happiness my experiences this past year have brought me. I am so grateful for all of the changes I have made in my life. & I know that, no matter what I do, He loves me so much more than I can even imagine.

How blessed am I?!

One last thought, which also comes straight from this talk:

"Where much is given, much is required. Our Heavenly Father asks His daughters to walk in virtue, to live in righteousness so that we can fulfill our life’s mission and His purposes. He wants us to be successful, and He will help us as we seek His help."

Where much is given, much is required. How much clearer could that be?!

Life is so good. We just hang in there, and give it our best, and He'll take care of the rest.

This is probably the worst time to throw a movie reference out there, but you know I'm all about the movie references. So please excuse me. :)

You know on Hitch, where Hitch is teaching the guy to kiss, and he tells the guy that he has to go 90%, and then the girl will go 10%?

Well, I think that it's pretty much like that, except I'm not kissing Jesus.

I go as far as I can go [with Him beside me every step of the way] and when I think I can't go any further, I push just a little further, and when I truly can't drag myself along any more, He'll pick up the slack. He'll always do what I can't. How amazing is that?!

So sometimes, maybe I'll only do 30% of the work, but if I'm putting 110% of my energy and effort into that, He loves me enough to do the other 70%.

God is good. Life is good.

[I know I am totally being preachy, but this was all racing around in my head and I had to get it out there. So excuse my messiness in telling you all of this and the fact that I used a movie reference about kissing to relate my relationship with Christ to you, but... It's me. You can only expect so much. :)]

"He wants us to be successful, and He will help us as we seek His help."

tender...kind...refined...faith...goodness...virtue...purity

see the months they don't matter, it's the days i can't take.

thursday, march 3, 2011:this is technically a picture of every day. [it's the inside of a bracelet i wear every day.] the outside says "love life" & the inside says "be brave."

some days, more so than others, i rely on those words: "be brave." <3

happy almost friday. love.

wafflecone wednesdays

wednesday, march 2, '11:

i pretty much live for wafflecone wednesdays. [strawberry & white chocolate macademia nut, sigh.] who knew $1.17 could purchase such joy?! seriously, though. i believe in pick-me-ups, and ice cream is the best one known to the female gender, besides perhaps chocolate.

bumppp.

confession: when i see women with babybumps, my heart aches with jealousy. but then, when i see women in wal-mart chasing their screaming monsters, my jealousy subsides.