[In the strength of the Lord, I can do hard things]

i'm frustrated.
there, i said it.
you aggravate me.
you get under my skin.
you hurt my feelings.


the truth is that i was ready to throw in the towel.
eager, even. anxious.
ready for that new page,the fresh start.
& then He decided that wasn't His plan.


the thing is, we all know i'm not on equal terms.
that i'm always going to be a [word i refuse to type, which you so love to use.]
that you'll always consider july 17th proof enough that i'm inferior.
that you'll always treat me differently.
& that i'll always let you; that i gave up trying to change it.


i think something i use as a life motto is that people are not projects.
i don't need to be under your wing, thank you very much.
i don't need you.


do you want to know the truth?
i left there, in may, without saying a word.
and do you know how many times anyone checked on me?
that'd be a grand total of zero.
& the truth is, that i know i could do that at any point.
that i could never go back, no questions asked.
& that idea is tempting;
some days i half-beg for it.
& that terrifies me.


mostly, i've realized what i guess i knew all along:
it's just me & Him.
it's always been me & Him.
because what it really comes down to is
the fact that some people can't get past a date or a label.
the fact that this is my battle, & no one else is going to fight it.


it's me & Him.
& the thing is, i know that when i have Him on my side, i can do hard things.
i can be that tough little cookie i used to be so good at being.
i can be His, and that is all i need.


but to be honest, sometimes you make me forget that this is about
me & Him.
& nothing/no one else.